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Taking The Phrase Dead Sexy to a Whole New Level: Cassie-la Races Through Both Versions Of “Warm Bodies”

9 Feb

Warm Bodies Poster 2Book: Warm Bodies by Isaac Marion
Movie: Warm Bodies
Genre: Fiction, zombies, horror, post-apocalyptic, this ain’t no zombie Twilight
Rating: 4.68 out of 5 stars (book and movie)

Summary: R is not your average zombie. He has coherent thoughts, can speak (sort of), is an avid collector of human memorabilia, and most importantly, has the ability to fall in love. Everything in R’s life is altered one day when he rashly decides to bring a human girl back to live in his 747. Her name is Julie, and she and R have the power to change the post-apocalyptic world forever. The weapon they have is [zombie] love.

Warm Bodies is the modern Romeo and Juliet. And I don’t say that because they have a modern romantic love story, or that as a zombie and a human they are star-crossed, I say that because the novel Warm Bodies is literally inspired by Romeo and Juliet. Main character R is obviously Romeo and love interest Julie is his Juliet. R’s hilarious best friend M stands in for Mercutio and Juliet’s friend Nora (with her aspirations to be a nurse) represents Juliet’s nurse, merely called the Nurse. See? I wasn’t just pumping up the love story aspect.

The novel and the film, while telling the same story, are two completely different beasts. The book is barely a young adult novel, despite the filming marketing the story to the Twilight fandom (shakes fist in anger) and is instead a much more in-depth look at a crumbling post-apocalyptic world and how we as a society while alive are still more dead inside than the zombie scourge. This is all viewed through the lens of R and Julie’s love story. The movie explores how technology makes society into zombies in a much more light-hearted way, but still through the romance of R and Julie. To sum it up, the novel is more zom-rom (zombie romance) with touches of humor and the film is more zom-rom-com (zombie romantic comedy) plus Rob Corddry.

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Bibliomantic Book Club: “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”

11 Jan

The_Hobbit-_An_Unexpected_Journey_74The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Release Date: December 14, 2012
Genre: Epic fantasy, Is “Lord of the Rings” a genre now?

Summary: Bilbo Baggins is just your average hobbit who enjoys eating, smoking a pipe, sitting around, and that’s pretty much it. His quiet, peaceful life is very suddenly disturbed when Gandalf the Grey appears at his doorstep inviting him on an adventure. Soon his home is invaded by thirteen dwarves who are on a quest to reclaim their home from the dragon Smaug. A grand journey commences – encounters with trolls, capture by goblins, and of course the discovery of a certain all-powerful ring start us off on the first leg of the tale. Bilbo must learn to be brave and everyone must learn that friendship is magic.

The excitement and nostalgia levels were high among the Bibliomantics as we ventured to the midnight showing of the highly anticipated movie adaptation of The Hobbit. As we settled into the theater, we reminisced happily about our trip to see Return of the King at midnight. How Stephanie and Cassie-wa’s father had to drive us all squished into the car because we weren’t old enough to drive more than one person or after 10pm. How Cassie-la had walked up to a stranger and started eating his pretzel bites. (Okay, she knew him.) And then we mostly just realized that we are really old because that was NINE YEARS AGO.

It was surreal to be back in a theater at midnight – going back to Middle-earth. Despite our complaining about the pointlessness of the 3-D, our bafflement at how Peter Jackson could possibly stretch the story out into three movies, and even though it wasn’t perfect, I think we are damn glad that the story’s not over yet. Plus there’s musical numbers and shenanigans.

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This Is Probably The Last Time I Can Mock Twilight: Cassie-la Dubs “Breaking Dawn: Part 2″ Best Fake Out Comedy of the Year

16 Nov

Book: Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer
Movie: Breaking Dawn: Part 2
Genre: Young adult, romance, vampires, werewolves, drama, teen angst, best fake-out in the history of ever, “Law & Order: Forks, Washington”
Rating: 2.12 out of 5 stars (movie)

Summary: In the second half of a book that didn’t need to be split up into two movies, vampires of every ethnicity ever (and the Avatar) come to help stop a fight that doesn’t really ever happen, Bella is sad because she doesn’t understand the concept of forever, Jacob wants to bone a baby, there’s the most boring vampire sex in the history of the world, and the vampire marching band arrives to give the movie a plot and a little bit of entertainment. Also filler. So much filler.

Last night- or rather when the clock hit midnight and last night became today- I was in a theatre full of Twi-hards ready to mock Breaking Dawn: Part 2. It’s become one of my favorite annual traditions since Breaking Dawn: Part 1, the #1 comedy of 2011. You can read my full mock worthy review of that film HERE. If only I had been able to loudly yell through Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse, but that was before it was cool to mock Twilight.

WARNING: I very rarely include spoilers in my reviews but it is imperative to my snark filled commentary to discuss the amazing clusterfuck that is the final battle and explain why this movie wins MOST UPROARIOUS AUDIENCE REACTION OF THE YEAR.

Don’t worry, I’ll give you plenty of warning before I ruin the best fake out in Twilight cinema history.

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The Original Shark Week: Cassie-la Takes a Bite Out of “Jaws” by Peter Benchley

18 Aug

Book: Jaws by Peter Benchley
Movie: Jaws
Genre: Fiction, horror, shark, thriller, one of the few times the movie was actually better
Rating: 3.6 out of 5 stars (book)

Summary: A vicious killer fish from the deep wreaks havoc on the seaside town of Amity, killing four people and ruining the economy for its poor citizens. Caught between his desire to save lives and save the struggling town, police chief Brody is forced to make some painful decisions. Add in a mob subplot, a wife dissatisfied with her life choices and a horny ichthyologist and you have a book that will have you jumping into the water, into the fins of a much nobler shark who’s at least true to himself.

Last August in a slightly inebriated post about reading as escapism, I had the brilliant (see: shark themed) idea to read and review Jaws in honor of Shark Week. AND I ACTUALLY REMEMBERED TO DO IT! You’re welcome everyone who still doesn’t actually care. And you’re actually welcome shark enthusiasts.

As documentaries and the internet will tell you, Jaws (the book, not the Spielberg movie- yes, there is a book) was inspired by the Jersey Shore attacks of 1916, not to be confused with the Snooki attacks of the 21st century. Scientists believe the five attacks were perpetrated by one shark, a SHARK WITH A LUST FOR BLOOD! Or one who was sick/starving and probably confused by the influx of flesh in the hypodermic needle strewn water during a freak heat wave. I kid, I’m sure the water was just full of mob bodies in 1916.

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Bibliomantic Book Club: “The Hunger Games” Movie

7 Apr

The Hunger Games
Release Date: March 23, 2o12
Genre: Action, Dystopia, Drama

Summary: Set in a futuristic version of North America, the country of Panem was made up of Thirteen Districts – all ruled by the Capitol. At one point in the past, the Districts rebelled and were crushed. As a reminder that no treason of the kind would be tolerated again, the Capitol began The Hunger Games. Each year the twelve remaining districts must offer one girl and one boy as tribute – the twenty four children must then fight to the death in a pageant broadcast live on television for the whole world to see. When Katniss Everdeen volunteers as tribute to save her little sister Prim, she goes to the Games not realizing she would soon be dubbed “the girl on fire.” Beloved by the Capitol crowd, hated by President Snow, and seen as a symbol of hope by the districts, she unknowingly creates a spark that could lead to much more as she tries to keep herself and fellow tribute Peeta alive.

I think it’s safe to say we had all been looking forward to this movie feeling both very excited and also somewhat nervous. After the travesty that was made of Harry Potter, we weren’t too keen to watch another beloved book series be ruined on film. Would they cut too much out? Would it be what the media was calling a “sanitized version?” Would we know what was going on at all without Katniss’ inner monologue guiding us? Luckily, it turns out our fears were mostly unfounded. While no movie can ever be exactly like the book – The Hunger Games did a damn good job of coming as close as possible. Read our thoughts below and share your own evaluation with us!

WARNING: Please be advised there are spoilers for both the book and the movie in this post and discussion.

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You Knew This Was Coming: Cassie-la Votes “Breaking Dawn: Part 1″ Comedy of the Year

18 Nov

Book: Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer
Movie: Breaking Dawn: Part 1
Genre: Young adult, romance, vampires, werewolves, drama, teen angst, “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant: Vampire Edition”
Rating: 2.43 out of 5 stars (movie)

Summary: Bella and Edward are getting married, and no one is happy, not even Bella herself, who doesn’t know what a smile looks like. With two hours of running time and only 30 minutes of plot, the penultimate movie in this franchise is full of enough nip slips, shoddy acting, and bad vampire CGI to make even Twihards lose some brain cells.

For my view on the book, please read my even snarkier post here.

Before I begin reviewing what is inarguably the best comedy of the year, I have a question to pose to the sparkly vampire loving audience. What happens when Bella gets her period? Seriously. Edward can barely get to second base without freaking out, what happens when Bella is menstruating? Please let me know if you have any theories/would like to cite Stephenie Meyer’s misuse of prose to prove to me that I’m thinking too much into this.

Breaking Dawn: Part 1 opens up as expected, with Jacob taking his shirt off and Edward and Bella getting married. The marriage of these two bothers me for multiple reasons. For one, Bella’s mother (who is inexplicably dressed in short shorts) seems to be finding this out for the first time when she receives her invitation. She also seems HAPPY that her 18 year old daughter is choosing to marry someone who left her alone in the woods two movies ago rather than going off to college. She’s a wonderful role model for young girls, isn’t she?

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Double Your Horror, Double the Dumb: Cassie-la Tortures Herself with “The Lying Game”

26 Aug

Book: The Lying Game and The Lying Game #2: Never Have I Ever by Sara Shepard
TV Show: “The Lying Game“
Genre: Fiction, young adult, mystery, who is paying you to put this on television?
Rating: 1.3 out of 5 stars (tv show)

Summary: After discovering she has a long lost twin, Emma switches identities with sister Sutton, who is on a quest to find their birth parents. But what happens when Sutton doesn’t come home on time and Emma has to keep living in a mansion and being loved by people!?!

I picked up (scratch that, DOWNLOADED because I was too embarrassed to purchase in public) The Lying Game series because I thoroughly enjoyed the guilty pleasure that is Sara Shepard’s first series Pretty Little Liars. I am somehow more comfortable with admitting to reading such dreck. It’s so bad I brought out a Yiddish phrase to describe it.

At first I was excited, mostly because the premise was intriguing. A novel narrated by the ghost of a murdered girl watching life go by through the eyes of her twin sister. It sounded Lovely Bones-esque and I liked the ease with which I had read through Shepard’s previous series. NOTE: ease = it was written for teenagers who text message too much and like unicorns.

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Awkward Hugs All Around: Kelly Reviews “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II”

4 Aug

Because someone had to do it.

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You Ain’t Cool Unless You Wear Turtlenecks With Suit Coats: Cassie-la Groans Through “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”

10 Jun

Book: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling
Movie: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Genre: Fiction, magic, wizards, children, not everything should be made into a movie
Rating: 2.1 out of 5 stars (movie)

Summary: In the sixth installment of the confusingly popular Harry Potter series Harry and Ginny experience awkward sexual tension, Dumbledore kind of teaches us about horcruxes, everyone forgets that the invisibility cloak exists, the audience assumes there are only 4 Weasley children, and Jim Broadbent rethinks his acting career.

Until recently the last Harry Potter movie I saw was Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and that was in 2006, when Harry and Ron had matching John Edwards hair (being that it was the hair of a pony). This was until last month, when ABC Family was running a Harry Potter marathon in which I caught 2/3 of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Having just re-read the novel I couldn’t help but notice that whoever wrote the script had a drunken comedian tell them the plot of the novel before scripting it (a la Drunk History). It was so awful (although the hair was slightly better and less pony-esque) and contained such unnecessary CGI that I knew after re-reading the sixth book I would have to watch the film. It also gave me an excuse to giggle over Alan Rickman, which you really never need an excuse for.

The movie opens in the same confusing way that the fifth one closed, with Death Eaters turning into black mist and flying around London. In the wizarding (quiet auto correct that is too a word!) world there are a lot of ways one can get from place to place: apparating, floo powder, broomsticks, the Knight Bus, portkeys, the Hogwarts Express, various bewitched Muggle objects, etc. None of these however involve turning to black mist and flying around like a disintegrating Superman. It makes no sense. If Chewbacca lives on Endor you must acquit.

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Kicking Ass and Taking Names: Cassie-la Compares Both Versions of “Kick-Ass”

13 May

Book: Kick-Ass by Mark Millar
Movie: Kick-Ass
Genre: Fiction, action, dark comedy, I wish I was that cool at 11
Rating: 4.89 out of 5 stars (movie)

Summary: Dave Lezewski is your average nerd. That is until he buys a scuba outfit online and decides to start crime fighting like his favourite comic book super heroes. When one of Dave’s fights is put on youtube he becomes an internet and real life phenomenon known as Kick-Ass. But things turn south when he meets some real life super heroes, and some real life villains, and now his life and his balls are in danger.

When Kick-Ass was released in 2008 it was an instant phenomena. Comic shop goers were drawn to the appeal of a run of the mill teenager taking up the mantle of his heroes and living out his (and their) fanboy wet dreams. The first prints were quickly bought up by patrons and the comic had to be reprinted. With only several issues published, it was announced that Kick-Ass was going to be made into a film.

Word of mouth brought on by viral marketing? Check. A large quickly growing devoted fan base? Check. The option to be made into a movie despite having no definitive ending and less than half of the source material? Check.

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