“Reading Rainbow” is back! Kind of. Sort of. Not really. To celebrate his super Gatsby themed show, host Stephen Colbert decided to hold a book club (the first rule is you don’t read Fight Club) in which he meant to read The Great Gatsby but then totally didn’t. Colbert invites Carey Mulligan on the show to tell him about the plot, but since she can’t even read and is merely dubbed over by James Franco, LeVar Burton steps in to help with his trusty butterfly in the sky. Head over to the original source to check out all the Gatsby, all the nostalgia, and all the “Star Trek” references.

Maureen Johnson Explores Gender Bias in Book Covers With Her Coverflip Experiment (via The Huffington Post)

YA author Maureen Johnson encounters fan complaints that go a little something like this: I love your books, but I feel embarrassed being seen with them in public because I’m a man and the covers are so girly- what gives MJ? To which she replies, I don’t pick the covers and instead my gender determines how they’re designed in the first place. In response to these constant queries, she issued a challenge to her fans, to imagine what book covers would like like if they were written by an author of the opposite gender. Thus, coverflip was born.

“Sleepy Hollow” and “In Wonderland” Pilots Get Picked Up, “The Selection” and “Delirium” Get the Axe (via Entertainment Weekly)

Two novel-based pilots that are getting a full season order are those based in the public domain. First up is “Sleepy Hollow,” which has Ichabod Crane traveling two-centuries into the future to save humanity from a crime that spans time. Okay then. The second is the “Once Upon a Time” spin-off “Once Upon a Time in Wonderland” which follows Alice in Wonderland. The pilots based on dystopian YA novels didn’t fare so well. Apparently not even Uther Pendragon himself, Anthony Stewart Head could save The Selection because CW11 refused to pick up the second attempt at a pilot and the same goes for the fabulously penned Delirium whose adaptation wasn’t loved either.

Tony Stark Sings About His “Suits That Fly” to Justin Timberlake’s “Suit & Tie” (via StarCrush)

Get ready to die of hilarity. This video features Tony Stark singing about his arc reactor, his nemesis the Mandarin and his girlfriend Pepper Potts to the tune of the Justin Timberlake ditty “Suit & Tie.” You would be hard pressed not to get addicted to the chorus: “And as long as I got my suits that fly / Imma put ‘em on and soar tonight / Gonna get messed up if we fight / Gonna blow up a few things.” Don’t forget to keep an eye out for Rhodey as Jay-Z!

Universal Teases Additions to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter (via Hypable)

As we previously mentioned, the Wizarding World of Harry Potter (where we’ve spent two LeakyCons) is getting an expansion – including a rolling coaster ride inside the newly built Gringotts! Why they didn’t think to do that to begin with is beyond us since it’s already basically a roller coaster in the book. A higher up for the park said there will indeed be a dragon on top of Gringotts breathing fire, the ride will be a family ride and the new expansion will feature another restaurant, more shops and a working Hogwart’s Express. Check out even more concept art HERE.

Continue to Celebrate All Things Gatsby With Consumerism, Because There Ain’t No Party Like a Gatsby Party (via BookRiot)

Want to sort of ruin The Great Gatsby film for everyone who didn’t read the book? Then consider buying this t-shirt through skreened.com. It’s fun and informative! To continue your Gatsbying, also check out the book report written by a kid who has only seen the movie (in theory), and then check out the best- in relative terms- Gatsby review on GoodReads. Featuring: The Average Gatsby, The Grape Gatsby and Batgatsby.

In conjunction with the amazing and fabulous team over at Quirk Books, we are giving away the newest and third book in the series, Teacher’s Pest, complete with lenticular cover!!!

Hit the jump below to find out how to enter to win and see all pertinent rules. The contest begins on May 8th and ends on May 22nd.

Don’t be fooled by his friendly smile, his perfect manners, or his shiny red apple. Student council president Howard Mergler is actually a sinister bug-monster in disguise—and he’s summoning swarms of roaches, wasps, fleas, and head lice into the corridors of Lovecraft Middle School! Twelve-year-old Robert Arthur is the only student who can stop him–but he’ll need help from his best friends: the school bully, the school ghost, and an extremely courageous two-headed rat.

This third novel in the Lovecraft Middle School series begins right where Professor Gargoyle and The Slither Sisters ended—with more action, more adventure, and more outrageous monsters.

How To Enter:

• Leave a comment on this post with your favorite HP Lovecraft story. (+1 chance to win)
• Follow us on Twitter. (+2 chances to win)
• Follow us on Facebook (+2 chances to win)
• Update your Twitter and/or Facebook status with the following update (+3 chances to win)

I entered to win “Lovecraft Middle School: Teacher’s Pest” giveaway from @Quirk Books and @Bibliomantics. http://bibliomantics.com/2013/05/08/book-giveaway-tales-from-lovecraft-middle-school-teachers-pest-by-charles-gilman

Rules and Conditions:

• Contest ends on May 22, 2013 at 12:00 AM EST.
• You can only participate in each option once.
• Winners will be chosen at random.
• If you win, you have two days after being contacted to provide us with your address. If you fail to do so, your prize will be offered to someone else.
• Book will ship directly from Quirk Books.

Good luck, and may HP Lovecraft be ever in your favor.

The Woman Who Died a Lot by Jasper Fforde

Summary: Thursday Next’s adventure continues in the seventh book in the series set in an alternate history version of  the UK where literature is taken very seriously. Following her escapade in One of Our Thursdays is Missing, Thursday is injured and unable to travel into the fictional BookWorld and instead takes a job offer to run the Swindon Library where books are protected with lethal force. Featuring God, time travel and synthetic doppelgangers, this is the strangest Thursday Next yet.

If you have yet to read any books in the Thursday Next series, then I highly recommend you start. The franchise takes place in an alternate history version of the world (specifically England) where literature is so well-loved that there is a special police division to protect it, political groups centered around famous authors and if you were to enter the original manuscript of a novel you could change the events within them. Did I mention there’s time travel and extinct animals have been re-engineered as pets? Well there’s all that too.

For your perusing pleasure, the other books in the series include: The Eyre Affair, Lost in a Good Book, The Well of Lost Plots, Something Rotten, First Among Sequels and One of Our Thursdays is Missing. (Pssst, The Eyre Affair is all about Jane Eyre and Something Rotten stars the Hamlet.)

This newest incarnation of the series, which features an older Thursday with grown children (Tuesday, Friday and the imaginary Jenny who is really just a mind-worm implanted in Thursday by her nemesis Aornis Hades) is the most confusing and inventive book so far. Bear with me while I explain the plot, because it’s a whole lotta plot.

The first plot point that the series revolves around is the existence of God, who decided to make His presence known by smiting entire cities, turning people into pillars of salt and basically reverting to His Old Testament ways. No joke. In this instance, His ire is pointed toward Swindon where Joffy Next (Thursday’s brother) created the unified religion known as the Church of the Global Standard Deity, which didn’t make the guy upstairs very happy.

Previously, in order to deal with the Stupidity Surplus, which is also a real thing, the government spent tons of money on an Anti-Smite shield, which was being built by Thursday’s genius daughter Tuesday, but when God turned out to be real the surplus needed to be dealt with in other ways, so Swindon reinstated the Spec-Ops division to waste a whole lot of money on an organization they recently disbanded.

As a result, Thursday is offered the job as the head librarian of the Swindon All-You-Can-Eat-at-Fatso’s Drink Not Included Library Service. Books within are protected by the SLS (Special Library Service) who wear combat fatigues decorated in book spines to better blend in with their surroundings.

In the previous books, time travel was a thing, but that’s been completely done away with. Sort of. As it’s explained by the narrator, a member of the time-traveling Chronoguard went forward until the end of time and realized time travel had never been invented. Since the time-travel technology the world was using worked on the premise that at some point the technology would be invented, the division was disbanded. You’re already confused, aren’t you?

Citizens who were going to be Chronoguards received Letters of Destiny which told them about the future that could have been and the future that will be instead and those who had already served their time were given new pasts that only they have the memories of. Which doesn’t work out so well for their family members.

This is particularly stressful for Thursday’s son Friday who was set to save the world on multiple occasions and whose new future includes him murdering one of his sister’s classmates and spending the majority of his life in prison. It’s slightly better for Thursday’s father who remembers anecdotes from his children’s childhoods that never happened.

Just in case that wasn’t enough for you, while all this is happening an asteroid may or may not hit Earth and destroy all life on it in 2041. And that’s all without going into the devious plot devised by the thorn in Thursday’s side, the Goliath Corporation and their duplicate Thursdays. I warned you there was a lot of plot. Thankfully in the hands of Jasper Fforde, all these different threads manage to interweave in a beautiful timey-wimey ball.

With each Thursday Next book I read I can’t imagine that Fforde could possibly flesh his world out any further but he always does. For example, in order to determine the sanity levels of government officials they are given a specific NUT level and before the time engines were shut off TJ-Maxx was a time-loop prison (Temporal-J Maximum Xecurity) where prisoners are trapped in a never-ending time loop. For example, a prisoner could be trapped in a time loop in which their girlfriend repeatedly tries on the same tank top for all time. Which really is the worst punishment I can imagine.

We also learn a little bit about other dimensions, which didn’t break any fourth walls, making me a sad panda. Thursday Next’s world is ID-11, which is the only dimension with David Hasselhoff, diphtheria, bicycles, dogs, music and the French. It’s the job of Spec-Ops division three to trade with other dimensions, which is why we have fax machines, escalators and the food chain Aldi. Ever wonder why the brands in Aldi make absolutely no sense and you’ve never heard of them? No worries, it’s just because they’re from another dimension.

Unfortunately the one thing this book was missing was the BookWorld. In the series, Thursday can jump to the BookWorld and enter the fictional world of books, interact with their characters and just basically give me everything my literary heart desires.

Thankfully, the Next book (yuk yuk yuk) will feature Dark Reading Matter, the empty part of BookWorld which is theorized to contain long lost books and creations from the oral tradition which never made it to print. The hypothesis is that this unexplored area is somehow related to Imaginary Friends (which aren’t so imaginary) and wander the planet until their “host” dies and they are sent to the Dark Reading Matter.

Eeep, I want to read about that now!!!

THE GOOD:
-Get to see how the world of libraries work in alternate-history Swindon
-A return to the characters we’ve come to know and love and some new ones too
-Inventive new additions that change the landscape of the series forever… Or for right now considering how this series usually works
-Love the touching resolution of that problematic “mind worm” thing

THE BAD:
-Had serious BookWorld withdrawals (which will be back in book 8)

Author Jasper Fforde’s other books are equally inventive, including the dragon filled/magic real world of The Last Dragonslayer, the Thursday Next spin-off the Nursery Crime series and the Shades of Grey novels, which are based around a Colortocracy, a world in which what colors you can see determine your social standing. They’re all amazing, so get reading! I won’t ask nicely a second time.

American Psycho, the book turned movie is now becoming a musical. SAY WHAT!?! At least in theory if the AP musical Kickstarter raises $150,000 to put the play on in London. Featuring music and lyrics by Spring Awakening’s Duncan Sheik and director Rupert Goold who has done too much to mention (including Macbeth and Richard II for BBC). Rewards include a Patrick Bateman business card flash drive loaded with songs from the musical, art prints, amazing t-shirts with fab one-liners like, “that’s a very fine Chardonnay you’re not drinking” and signed/limited edition copies of the novel. Not to mention, amazing 80′s styled tunes. Is donating something you are? Or is it something you do?

Joe Hill’s NOS4A2 Is Coming Out Tomorrow and WE’RE SO EXCITED YOU GUYS! (via USA Today)

Horror author Joe Hill’s newest book NOS4A2 is coming out tomorrow (April 30th) and we wish there was a sound of excitement we could make to adequately express how excited we are. EEEEEEEEE! No. AAAAAAAAAH! Nope. GLARGH! Nah. Not possible. The story, which made us have to change all our passwords (DAMN YOU JOE HILL) follows a vampire named Charlie Manx who picks up children in his Rolls-Royce Wraith and takes them to Christmasland. Bonus: shiver-inducing illustrations by Hill’s Locke & Key artist/co-writer Gabriel Rodriguez. We’ll be reading with the lights on.

Harry Potter Gets an Honest Trailer But it Could Be Meaner (via ScreenJunkies)

This Honest Trailer from ScreenJunkies is one of our favorites, because it deals with the fabulous book series Harry Potter while simultaneously taking aim at the awful movie adaptations. Featuring, “a magical boarding school where kids learn potions, spells and divination, but not English, math or science” and “where child endangerment is totally no big deal.” Four directors, eight films and two Dumbledores! Check out the video for all the hilarity. And even more Warwick Davis.

Margaret Atwood’s Dystopic Trilogy Will Come to an End With MaddAddam (via BookRiot)

Following the original dystopic novel Oryx and Crake and the follow-up The Year of the Flood comes the conclusion to Margaret Atwood’s dystopic trilogy- that you may not have even realized was a trilogy- MaddAddam! Sounds like some reading catch-up is in order before the finale hits shelves on September 3rd. Are you excited to see what’s going on in the conclusion of this post-apocalyptic landscape, or were you turned off by the genetically engineered human hybrids and gave up after book one? We refuse to answer that question, quasi-human monsters are always cool in our book.

Comic Book Turned Movie R.I.P.D. Has a Trailer that Looks Like Men In Black (via Oh No They Didn’t!)

When S.W.A.T. team member Ryan Reynolds dies, he is sent to the afterlife and saddled with work in the R.I.P.D. also known as the Rest in Peace Department who are tasked with taking care of the undead who escape judgement. Unfortunately for him, he has a rough and tumble partner played by Jeff Bridges who teaches him everything the hard way. Starring Nancy from “Weeds,” a whole bunch of undead people, that dude from “Prison Break” and an allusion to Dr. Strangelove. It could be awesome, but it could be really terrible. Either way, it’ll get us to finally read the comic.

Fan Art Combines the DC Universe with the Haunted Mansion Ride and the Ghost of Walt Disney is Pissed (via The Mary Sue)

DeviantArtist ArtistAbe combined two awesome things to create this parody fan art: DC’s Batman fandom and the creepy photographs inside the elevator of Disney’s Haunted Mansion ride. Not to be confused with the Eddie Murphy movie of the same name but not the same caliber. Bravo to Abe for not only capturing the darkly comedic feel of the original pieces, but also tying in a perfect Batman mash-up as well. Even better, the artwork now comes in GIF form.

BookRiot Is Trying to Kickstart Their Second Book, START HERE: Volume 2 (via BookRiot)

After successfully funding their first book START HERE in their “reading pathways” series, book website Book Riot decided to have another go at the publishing game with START HERE: Volume 2. Just like the first book in the collection, the second volume will explain to readers how to break into an author’s massive body of work (i.e. where to start). Authors tackled in this volume will include Virginia Woolf, William Faulkner, Ursula  K. LeGuin, Alan Moore and John Green among others. We’re not sure why John Green is included because you really need to just read everything he’s written. To donate or merely to find out more, head over to their Kickstarter and take a literary gander. Gander, gander, gander!

Summary (taken from the Kickstarter page):

“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown” – H.P. Lovecraft

Our goal with this anthology is to publish some underground and unpublished authors, while exploring a genre near and dear to us: Horror. We’d love your help in this endeavor! In exchange for your pledge, we’ll send along an e-book (PDF, ePub, and perhaps other formats) collection of the stories once it’s complete.

Dear ladies, gentleman and tentacles, I thought I’d do something a wee bit different this week and talk a little bit about a horror anthology Kickstarter that my fellow Cassie (Cassie-wa) and I are contributing short stories to.

So we all know what I’m really saying is…

IF YOU LOVE THE SITE AND YOU LOVE US, OR YOU JUST LOVE HORROR SHORT STORIES YOU SHOULD SERIOUSLY DONATE TO OUR KICKSTARTER SO WE CAN GET SOMETHING IN PRINT THAT WASN’T PUBLISHED AT THE AGE OF TEN IN ONE OF THOSE TERRIBLE POETRY BOOKS. WE’LL LOVE YOU FOREVER.

Did that read as desperate? Nah, I played it cool.

The anthology itself seeks to publish un-published or “underground” authors writing short stories with a focus on the unknown.

Rewards include eBooks, digital artwork, special edition hardcovers and if you play your money right, even a limited print run, which would come with a real live ISBN number that I will probably get tattooed on my body in celebration.

Maybe that should be a stretch reward.

If all this sounds super awesome to you/you want to read some fiction from Team Cassie, kindly donate or pass around this link (http://kck.st/ZGntlO) through all forms of social media. The collection also has a Twitter and Facebook event to virtually hand out to anyone and everyone.

Tell those you love! Tell those you don’t love! Tell your dog, your grandma, your imaginary friend, the crazy woman who haunts your attic! Just pass the word along.

Thank you in advance for making us some very happy bloggers, and if all goes well, published authors.

Lots of Love
XOXO,
Dan Humphrey

Thankfully, for season three (WHICH COMES OUT ON SUNDAY, OMG IT’S ALMOST HERE!!!) I know exactly which lemon cake to make, so I don’t have to waste my time. Bonus: Ommegang brewery has graciously provided Iron Throne Ale to drink while watching everyone you love die.

In anticipation of the season which will contain a whole lot of weddings and funerals- as in more than any Hugh Grant movie- I decided to share my lemon cake journey in a culinary adventure I like to call: Battle Lemon Cake.

This was originally posted during season two, throughout 2012, over on my personal blog (which gets very little use): Fli Brish. It has been touched up/edited accordingly to reflect all the shenanigans in season two and I have included appropriate yelling because I still have serious Team Lemon Cake feels.

Battle Lemon Cake

Five lemon cakes enter… Only one wins. By being the tastiest. Also, pretty much everyone here will be dead by the end of the series if they’re not already. Seriously, only two people here were even left alive by the end of the fifth book.

With “Game of Thrones” season two airing (remember, I wrote this post last year) and not one but two cookbooks for the novels being released, I knew I wanted to make lemon cakes for the premiere. The problem: I found five lemon cake recipes and wanted to make them all. This lead to the formation of Battle Lemon Cake, in which every other week (give or take) I made a lemon cake recipe to represent one of the five rulers bidding for the Iron Throne- George R. R. Martin calls them Kings in the Appendixes even though Daenerys is most certainly a woman. Psh. Regardless of the semantics, only one lemon cake can be crowned the ultimate champion of Battle Lemon Cake. Unfortunately for them, they will all be eaten.

If I did this all the way through A Feast for Crows I would need so many more recipes.

Lemon Cake #1 (Lemon Cakes)

FOR: Renly Baratheon, the King in Highgarden
FROM: Tom Colicchio’s Taste of Westeros Food Truck – Recipe Here

Just like these cakes, Renly is flamboyant, fun, and well liked, but a little pompous and full of himself. The recipe showed its pompousness by the whites and yolks of the eggs having to be separated and the cake having to cook in individual ramekins in a water bath. Not to mention being made by Tom Colicchio automatically labels them hoity toity. Putting together the batter also created a huge mess, which we all know Renly would do if he took the Iron Throne. He’s only 21 after all. Despite this, the cakes were delicious and had nice crunchy bottoms when they were inverted. Loras Tyrell might also agree that Renly has a nice hard bottom. Bom chicka wah wah. These cakes tasted much better once completely cooled down because they had time to fully come together, so I would recommend waiting to eat them until they’re cold. It’s hard to do, but I believe in you! Insert joke about Stannis preferring Renly’s body cold here. Ultimately, this recipe was yummy but not necessarily worth the time, effort, mess, or low yield amount (only 4 cakes in my 4.5 ounce ramekins). Not that many Song of Ice and Fire fans would expect a Renly inspired dessert to last long in Battle Lemon Cake anyway as most of you learned the hard way when he was pwned by that shadow.

Lemon Cake #2 (Modern Lemon Cakes)

For: Robb Stark, the King in the North
From: The Inn at the Crossroads – Recipe Here

This cake is modern, has a great bright flavor and is also well liked (much like Lemon Cake #1). Much like Robb Stark it didn’t rise as high as I had initially anticipated, but that didn’t make them less delicious or edible. Robb is a rule breaker, trying to make the North a separate entity, especially later in A Storm of Swords when he goes against his mother’s wishes and his own promises. The cakes in my silicone flower cups also broke the molds, literally overflowing. However, these crunchy bits that ended up in the pan beneath were the most delicious parts, just like my morbid fascination with the Red Wedding. The downside to these cakes was that they were a tad fattening, requiring two whole sticks of butter to make them. But they are definitely worth making every so often since they’re so yummy, and the lemon is most certainly not overpowering. This is also Robb’s downfall, as he took on too much that he couldn’t possibly hope to hold. Winterfell, his family, and maybe even his head if he’s not careful.

Lemon Cake #3 (Elizabethan Lemon Cakes)

For: Stannis Baratheon, the King in the Narrow Sea
From: The Inn at the Crossroads – Recipe Here

I initially aligned Stannis with these Elizabethan lemon cakes because Stannis is old school, stuck in his ways, and these cakes are an older recipe from the 1600s. Nothing modern about Stannis. What I didn’t expect was a cake inspired by Stannis would be so damn yummy. Granted, I had to poke them full of holes (a corn on the cob holder works great) so the glaze would penetrate all the way through the bottom of these dense cakes. You would probably have to stab Stannis a bunch of times to force him to be even a little bit as friendly as his brother. The cakes are literally layered with flavor, from the sweet honey/lemon glaze on top all the way down to the dense, slightly lemony bottom. Stannis is also an extremely layered individual, although it would be easy to argue that he’s harder on the surface and possibly sweeter deep down, although he has yet to show anything even remotely nice- particularly in the later books. Oh Stannis, hard to believe, but you make one palatable lemon cake. But you are a bit dense, in your decisions and when you come out of the oven.

Lemon Cake #4 (Arya’s Lemon Cakes) WHY WOULD YOU NOT CALL THEM SANSA’S LEMON CAKES!?!

For: Joffrey Baratheon, the King on the Iron Throne
From: The Unofficial Game of Thrones Cookbook – Recipe Here

These cakes were initially chosen to represent Joffrey for one simple reason, both the King and the cakes were 100% artificial. Joffrey has no blood claim to the throne while this recipe calls for no actual lemons as ingredients, just lemon extract or lemon verbena oil and dried lemon verbena. Also like Joffrey, they were a giant pain in my neck! I literally put this recipe off so long, that they were supposed to be the second lemon cakes I made. Unfortunately, I could not for the life of me find dried lemon verbena anywhere, nor could I find the suggested alternatives like lemon verbena tea, and I refused to drive out of my way to a specialty store or order the spice online. Instead, I replaced the verbena with natural lemon zest. When I made the cakes they were quite fun (albeit time consuming), coming out like pancakes, but while they were pretty on the outside they were absolutely vile on the inside, with a weird gummy consistency and even stranger taste. Just like Joffrey, they’re nice and golden when you look at them, but are gross and evil on the inside. Blech! These were the only lemon cakes that went straight in the garbage. So perfectly Joffrey inspired.

Lemon Cake #5 (Elizabethan and Modern Lemon Cakes)

For: Daenerys Targaryen, the Queen Across the Water
From: A Feast of Ice and Fire

Due to the official “Game of Thrones” cookbook having not one but two lemon cakes in it, I had to use artistic license (baker’s license?) and make the final TWO recipes for Daenerys Targaryen, which is fine with me because I personally think she’s a great blend of the modern and the old world (which might be just what Westeros needs). On the one hand, she’s a traditional Targaryen (Elizabethan cakes) complete with dragons, and on the other, she’s a strong capable woman willing to do whatever it takes to get back her throne (modern cakes). Both cakes had a nice, refreshing lemon taste to them, with the Elizabethan cakes being more dense and the modern cakes being nice and light. Something for everyone to love depending on if you prefer cookies or cake, or which side of Dany you love. The caring wife and potential mother, or the vengeful Queen seeking her throne. Both had easy to make, light frosting that added to the cakes, which were delicious both hot and cold. They can pretty much be enjoyed any way you eat them, which really makes them the ultimate lemon cakes. Added bonus: they will take what is theirs with fire and blood.

The Results

So who won Battle Lemon Cake you ask? Well, after 11 lemons, hours of late night baking, much deliberation and a whole lot of delicious Sunday nights, the winner is most certainly…

LEMON CAKE #5, FOR DAENERYS TARGARYEN!

Ultimately, it came down to which recipe was the most delicious, and the modern lemon cakes from the A Feast of Ice and Fire cookbook gave me a mouth orgasm. The cakes were moist and light, and the frosting gave it a nice lemony kick at the end. Everything I imagined a lemon cake would be. These have definitely earned their place in Westeros as the winner of Battle Lemon Cake.

Alice in Zombieland by Gena Showalter

Summary: Alice Bell’s father is terrified of monsters hurting his family. As a result, Alice isn’t allowed out at night, and she’s certainly not allowed to walk near any cemeteries. But when her entire family dies in a horrific accident, she learns the hard way that her father may not be as crazy as she thought he was. Starring: a love interest with a hard muscular chest, a best friend with dialogue straight out of a Diablo Cody script, a cast of peripheral characters with terrible names and Alice, who is so attractive that everyone wants to have sex with her. Not starring: anything to do with Alice in Wonderland except a rabbit shaped cloud.

Once again I have gotten overly excited about an adaptation of Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland and yet again I have thrown my money at something that merely seeks to profit off the renewed popularity of the books rather than pay homage to the little girl in a strange new world. It happened with the Tim Burton movie, the YA novel Splintered and it’s happened yet again with Alice in Zombieland. (Not to be confused with the awesome Threadless shirt or the book of the same name by Nickolas Cook of which I couldn’t make it through more than a page of.)

Despite obviously being marketed to fans of Wonderland (see the gorgeous cover if you need a reason why I jumped to this conclusion) there isn’t much of anything to connect the novel to Lewis Carroll’s world except the book title and the chapter names, which aren’t even that good on their own: Down the Zombie Hole, The Pool of Blood and Tears, Eerily Curiouser and Curiouser…, Advice from a Dying Caterpillar, and A Fiendishly Mad Tea Party.

Oh, and let’s not forget that the main character is named Alice and she keeps seeing a cloud in the shape of a white rabbit. Seriously, I would have rather been pandered to than abused for my love of all things Alice.

If this book is full of anything, it’s a whole lot of misogyny, but the author writes it off as totally okay because the men in Alice’s life are just trying to protect her from zombies. Invisible zombies who can’t be touched except in the spirit world. First, there’s Alice’s alcoholic father, who doesn’t let the three women in his life outside of the house at night because he’s worried they’ll be taken away by monsters. To him, women are treated as fragile possessions that must be kept under lock and key at all times. All because his own father was killed by monsters while visiting his wife’s grave. In the middle of the night.

Then there’s Alice’s love interest Cole, who seems to suffer from all the same problems but is totally smoking hot and is rumored to be the leader of a gang who always appears in school covered in strange bruises. Despite being warned that “he’ll break your heart-and maybe your face!” Ali still seems drawn to the mysterious Cole, his violet eyes and his propensity for dragging her around and ordering her around. Because women really shouldn’t be trusted to walk alone by themselves when they’re such delicate snow flakes. Now put on these booty shorts so I can teach you to defend yourself you powerless baby maker! <– This is a real thing that happened.

Author Gena Showalter seems to try to counter-balance these overbearing male figures by having Alice rebel against them, but in the end she constantly gives in and her message of girl power is destroyed just as fleetingly as it briefly showed up to try and not make her look like the opposite of a Spice Girls song. Especially when Alice, who briefly manages to kick some ass decides to call for a “big strong man” to rescue her.

It also doesn’t help that Ali is constantly running into Cole by literally running into Cole. Or rather, running into his hard, masculine chest. An event which happens around six times (and one time with a tree). I wish I had been tallying up sooner for a more accurate number that will make you realize just how contrived the romance I had to read about really is.

In addition to horrible male role models with terrible names, we also get some adult figures with equally stilted dialogue who don’t seem to be able to function in an adult world. There’s Alice’s mother who after Alice finally kisses a boy imagines her mother saying to her, “Gross. Did he slip you the tongue?” her teacher who tells our protagonist, “Excuses are merely the topping of an E.coli-infested sundae,” Alice’s grandparents asking her if a party she plans to attend has naked ping-pong and her grandfather interrogating her date and killing any hope of this book being credible by saying, “I’ll move on since baby boy can’t take the heat.”

Then there’s our heroine, Alice, who changes her name to Ali after a horrible accident kills her family. Because nothing says mentally adjusted like demanding your surviving relatives refer to you by a different name. She is also inexplicably sad that since her baby sister died she will never be able to talk to her about sex when it came time to discuss the birds and the bees.

While not entirely her fault as a character, but rather the way those around her are written, Ali suffers from Bella Swan syndrome. She arrives in a new school, is immediately taken under the wing of a popular clique, every boy falls madly in love with her and her smoking hot bod and she manages to draw the attention of the hottest and most mysterious boy in the school who she eventually compares to an in inescapable drug addiction. Not. Romantic.

And let’s not forget the revolving cast of characters with horrible names like:  Wren, Poppy, Reeve, Frosty, Bronx and Mackenzie Love, who like to go clubbing and dress in mini-skirts, corset tops and shirts that are so v-necked they stop at their navels. I couldn’t make this nonsense up if I tried.

To add onto all the terrible I’ve already mentioned, there’s the zombie plot to contend with. As the author so helpfully mentioned in her dedication to God (who assisted in finishing this novel) the plot seems to revolve around her faith. As a result, the zombies don’t eat brains but rather eat the goodness out of decent Christians. Because as zombies they can scent fear. No, not sense. Or smell. We are literally told they can SCENT FEAR! Which is not the proper verb usage for that word.

Anyway, back to the worst zombies to ever zombie. If someone is bitten while fighting the incorporeal undead, they get stricken with Antriputrefactive Syndrome which as you most likely assumed from the terrible name is a 100% false disease. A disease which turns your insides into “toxic sludge” and makes your spirit reanimate in zombie form. Or rather, turns you into Jesus: the original mutant (because he could turn water into wine) who eventually rose from the dead on Easter to feast on the flesh of the living.

Thanks Harlequin Teen, way to perpetuate the stereotypes that you can’t produce anything of literary merit. Keep on keeping on.

THE GOOD:
-Occasionally entertaining (note the occasionally)
-Good premise with a completely flawed execution
-Love the cover, but don’t judge the book by it

THE BAD:
-Teen language unrealistic, stilted and painful to read
-Adult language even more unrealistic and painful to read
-No one runs into that many hard, masculine chests by accident
-Ali suffers from Bella Swan syndrome, in that she’s a giant Mary Sue
-Romanticizes dating bad boys who may abuse you mentally and physically

If none of the horrors I’ve just imparted bother you, then make sure to stick around for the sequel, the not as intriguing and poorly named, Through the Zombie Glass: The White Rabbit Chronicles #2. In which Ali Bell finds herself once again slaying zombies with the added bonus of hearing more voices in her head and being frightened of mirrors that come to life. Inspired by but having absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There. Zombie Jesus, take the wheel.

The Madness Underneath by Maureen Johnson
Release Date

Summary: Rory can see ghosts, which isn’t as awesome as it sounds. For example, as a result of her power she was chased by an entity recreating the Jack the Ripper murders and was left with a nasty scar to prove it. Now she’s got even more troublesome otherworldly powers and a desire to return to a normal life. Whatever that is anymore. Torn by her devotion to her family, her school friends, her new boyfriend and the super secret government ghost fighting organization in London, Rory is struggling to find her place in the regular world and the world of the undead. Because in the Shades of London series, life sucks and then you die. And sometimes you come back as a ghost.

When we last left Rory (full name Aurora) she was dealing with the ramifications of all the events that happened in book one, The Name of the Star (review HERE). In this sequel, she’s healing from all that nonsense, struggling to return some normalcy to her life and trying to deal with the world knowing her as that Ripper girl. We highly recommend you read the first book before you even attempt to tackle this one. Trust us, it’s full of Jack the Ripper goodness. End tedious introductory paragraph.

STEPHANIE’S THOUGHTS

The Madness Underneath! A highly anticipated sequel which was not quite as highly anticipated by us since we managed to snag some ARC’s at New York Comic Con. Not only did Maureen sign our books, she also gave us the famous STARE as we accidentally knocked over a sign on her table about five times. It was pretty much the most terrifying and also best thing that ever happened to me.

This book keeps up with Maureen’s signature quirkiness that shown through so wonderfully in The Name of the Star. Rory remains fantastically realistic while managing to be both socially awkward and totally cool at the same time. However, this sequel is definitely much heavier than the first – Rory has been through a lot and it’s not the sort of stuff you can just get over. Unlike in some stories where serious consequences might be glossed over – all is definitely not well for Rory. Having to adjust back to life after the events of the first book are difficult both emotionally and physically as she has to heal from the damage done to her mind and her body. She is unsure where she fits in now – she is hovering somewhere between normalcy at school and the supernatural world that she has been thrust in to. She has to choose – but how when neither world seems to offer her a perfect match and there is definitely no choice that can guarantee happiness.

I do love Rory, but I did end up doing that thing where you yell at the characters in the book because they are SO OBVIOUSLY doing something SO STUPID and they seem to have no idea! Sigh. Our favorite ghost police have definitely gotten themselves caught up in something even bigger and crazier than just dealing with ghosts. As zombie stories have taught us – people are always the bad guys. Okay, well maybe not as much in the first book, but I think we’re definitely heading in that direction now which is really cool, but I am looking forward to more ghost action in the next book that we are definitely set up for.

Lastly, Maureen has, of course, tweeted about THE THING that happens at the end of the book. THE THING is just as traumatizing as I hoped it would be and I definitely did not see it coming. However, while THE THING remains the same, the circumstances are different in the ARC than in the final book. I personally enjoyed the ARC’s version way better – the suddenness of the events, how there was no time to think or really decide anything, just one desperate act that hadn’t really even become a plan… The actual version sets us up for more guilt and heartache, I suppose, but honestly I don’t think Rory needs anymore of that.

This series is a really excellent read and I cannot wait for the conclusion!

KELLY’S THOUGHTS

This book is really about being between two worlds (which is appropriate as it’s the middle book in the trilogy). Rory is trying to resume her life as it was before the attack, but finds this task to be very difficult. School is overwhelming, she doesn’t know if she can dissipate ghosts in good conscience, and she can’t even tell her friends what happened. Even when Rory is regaling us with stories about her crazy Louisiana neighbors, it feels like she is trying to distract us with a shiny object. “Don’t look at my pain! Look over here!” Maureen Johnson creates believable and necessary change in an already well-developed character.

Then there is the element of the paranormal which makes everything more complicated. Rory has to figure out what to do with her life – stay in school? Go back to America? Join the British Ghost Buster Squad forevs?  It’s like  a completely normal teenage existential crisis, except for Rory’s new abilities to kill ghosts with her bare hands. I do wish there was more focus on the ghosty aspect, as I really missed the mystery element to this novel. It was spread a little too thin, focusing more on Rory’s growing questions about the afterlife.

SPEAKING OF AFTERLIFE – I am not happy with the ending of this book. Not happy at all! It was shocking, and made me a sad panda. If I wasn’t so afraid of The Stare, I would march right up to MJ and demand answers. Instead, I suppose I will just have to wait until the final book is released. It seems like MJ is building up all this new and cool information that will be more fully fleshed out in the end, and I can’t wait to see what happens. However – there better not be any *pottery* scenes. S’all I’m saying.

CASSIE-LA’S THOUGHTS

Wow, wow, wow. The Madness Underneath was a completely different beast than The Name of the Star. While the first book dealt entirely with solving the mystery of the Jack the Ripper copycat and dealing with Rory’s involvement in a new school across the pond, this one covers barely any time in school and instead follows Rory as she heals (physically and emotionally) and struggles to reconnect with her old life. Much thanks to Maureen Johnson for successfully dealing with this and not just throwing her heroine back into the action as most authors are wont to do.

The best thing about Rory is that despite being a victim, having had this horrible act befall her, literally leaving her scarred, she also becomes literally empowered. Yes, she’s damaged, but she’s also more powerful and stronger because of it. Again, not just figuratively.

Also, thanks to MJ for not making her cry all the time, because we all know that’s what Harry Dresden would have done in half the situations Rory finds herself in. Fucking Harry Dresden.

Anyway, regardless of being different and heart-wrenching, the dialogue and the details still have that fun, spunky touch of Maureen. Instead of talking in sonnets or being melodramatic, Rory and her new boyfriend Jerome have a habit of insulting each other to reveal how much they really care. She writes, “Jerome and I had developed a code for expressing whatever it was we felt for each other… We had started to say mildly insulting things. Our entire correspondence was a string of heartfelt insults.”

Other Maureen-isms include Rory petting her unshaven leg hair and calling it “my very own fuzzy pet” or the hypothetical question, “Rory, do you want to go live in the sky? On a Pegasus?” or how about Rory telling inappropriate stories when she’s embarrassed like, “We had this neighbor once… Who nicknamed his dog Dicknickel.” And let’s not forgot Rory being woken up to be told the climax of the story and immediately mumbling, “I don’t want ham.” Are we sure this isn’t just a true story about Maureen Johnson’s life?

If you can get your hands on an ARC with the original ending, I highly recommend it. The immediacy and the suddenness of the THING at the end (the same one in the published version) is so much more shocking and realistic because of how immediate it is. Just like if it were real life. The published version just didn’t have that same sock in the gut feeling. Damn you publisher’s why would you do that?

WHAT WE LIKED MOST:
-Rory is even more fully fleshed out and developed in this book
-MJ doesn’t gloss over Rory’s pain and trauma but takes us through it
-Yay for more ghost hunters, not so much yay for not enough Alistair
-MAUREEN WRITING LIKE MAUREEN!

WHAT WE LIKED LEAST
-Much preferred the sudden nature and immediacy in the ARC (THAT THING!)
-Would have liked some more ghostly goings-on

Join us next month when we review our March Bibliomantic Book Club Book: The Clockwork Princess by Cassandra Clare.

What is this GIF? I can’t even. Even though “Sherlock” series three has only just begun filming, Benedict Cumberbatch himself has confirmed that the show has already been picked up for a fourth series. Which is amazing since Steven Moffat (AKA Satan himself) has already hinted that the third season of the Sherlock Holmes inspired series will leave fans “as frustrated as they ever were.” Thanks a lot Beelzebub. Thanks for not actually killing anyone, we guess.

Kick-Ass 2 Finally Gets a Trailer That Makes Us Really Excited (via ScreenCrush)

The long-awaited trailer for Kick-Ass 2: Balls to the Wall has finally been released, with the screenwriters wisely deciding to age Hit Girl played by Chloe Grace Moretz instead of pretending that twelve-year-old girls have breasts. We must admit, we kind of miss hearing so much profanity coming from the mouth of a little girl. Much like the original film and the comic book series it’s based on, be prepared for plenty of cursing, innuendo and Jim Carrey putting on the strangest accent ever.

What Would Happen if Batman Replaced Famous Movie Characters? (via The Mary Sue)

The premise is simple, take movies and replace the main characters with Batman to hilarious effect. What would happen if Harry Potter and Ron Weasley were best friends not with Hermione Granger but the Batman? What if Batman found himself in Oz? Well, there sure would be an awful lot of yelling and babbling, that’s for sure. Many kudos for this spectacular YouTube offering, which we would like to request an entire series of. ::puppy dog eyes::

Cover Released for Devil Wears Prada Sequel Revenge Wears Prada (via Entertainment Weekly)

Revenge Wears Prada: the Devil Returns is the highly anticipated sequel to the chick lit hit The Devil Wears Prada and it seems to have a cover partly inspired by its movie counterpart. The sequel will pick up eight years later, with former Runway assistant Andrea editing for a bridal magazine alongside her former nemesis Emily, who is now her BFF. Andrea is also planning her own wedding to Max while simultaneously dreading running into her former boss. Could be awesome, could be terrible. We’ll reserve our judgement for now.

This “Game of Thrones” Meets the Princess Bride Promo is the Best Video Ever (via Tor)

Sometimes a YouTube video comes along that you can’t help but watch over and over again. So all other mash-ups please kindly move aside, this fictional promo for “Game of Thrones” series three told through The Princess Bride takes the cake. You will never be able to top this, I promise you that. Spoilers for season one and book one, but you’ll definitely appreciate the marriage reference if you’ve read A Storm of Swords. This video seriously still slays us. 900 pages later.

For some reason (that reason most likely being brain damage) actor Gary Busey is under the impression that Hobbits are real. So much so that on his YouTube series “The Busey Zone” he shows off his severed Hobbit foot and sings a song about how they’re really horny. Jump to 3:28 for that nonsense. Because in Gary Busey land, “Horny starts with an H. The letter H. Hobbits start with the letter H. Horny Hobbits are thriving in Middle-earth. They don’t know what a reindeer is, but they’re horny like you can’t believe it.” This guy’s brain is like a bag full of cats.

Neil Gaiman’s New Book Isn’t Even Out Yet, But It’s Already Getting a Movie (via The Mary Sue)

Neil Gaiman’s newest book The Ocean at the End of the Lane isn’t set for release until June 18th, but Joe Wright (director of Atonement, Pride and Prejudice, and Anna Karenina) is all set to direct a film version regardless. Preferably without Keira Knightley, but with the same haunting cinematography and costume design. Gaiman’s novel is touted as being about “memory and magic and survival, about the power of stories and the darkness inside each of us”. In which the narrator witnesses a suicide at seven and “unleashes ancient powers” and must seek help from three woman, the youngest of who thinks her duckpond is the ocean and the oldest who remembers the Big Bang. Dying of amazing!

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies the Movie May Be Happening After All (via Deadline)

We’ve been hearing about a P&P&Z movie for a while now and had pretty much given up all hope, but apparently Paranorma Media, Darko Entertainment and Handsomecharlie Films have stepped in to revive the project. Possibly thanks to the success of Warm Bodies, but don’t quote us on that. The film still doesn’t have a director, so this is no calls for super excitement levels just yet, but there are plans to premiere it at Cannes. Now if only they would just hire everyone from the BBC miniseries and re-film it with zombies. Wet Collin Firth as Mr. Darcy and all.

“Game of Thrones” Gets An Extended Trailer (WITH A BEAR!) and a Fourth Season (via ScreenCrush)

Q: How many “Game of Thrones” trailers are too many trailers. A: There will never be too many. Hot on the heels of the official third season trailer comes the official third season extended trailer. In it we get to see more Tyrion, the shadow of Reek, and even a horrifying glimpse of that bear scene. In even more exciting “GOT” news, actor Charles Dance (Tywin Lannister) accidentally let loose that he already has several scripts for season four episodes. So at least they’ll finish A Storm of Swords before they’re forced to deal with the Feast for Crows mess.

“The Selection” Casts Anthony Stewart Head as Another Jerk-face King (via Hypable)

One of our favorite things is when actors from “Buffy” show up on our television screens. And not just when Chiller is airing re-runs. So we were super happy to hear that Anthony Stewart Head (AKA Giles) was cast as King Clarkson for the new YA book based television series, The Selection- previously discussed here. This will mark ASH’s second time as a television king. You may remember-or not, I don’t know what you do with your time- Head as Uther Pendragon on the bromantic BBC show “Merlin”. Well imagine him, but nicer and with less freaking out about magic slash less inviting every person who wants to kill him into his home slash less troll foreplay. We assume. We haven’t read The Elite yet.

Joss Whedon’s Much Ado About Nothing Trailer Makes Us Miss “Buffy”, “Angel” “Firefly”, “Dollhouse” and Agent Coulson (via PopBytes)

We don’t mind at all when Joss Whedon uses the same actors over and over again, since he has so much prime talent to work with and he seems to cycle through who he uses. We do mind that Tim Burton keeps casting Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter as his leads. You don’t see Joss Whedon making Nathan Fillion the male lead in everything so… Wait a minute, new idea. Make Nathan Fillion the make lead in everything. Check out the trailer above for Joss’ modern reinterpretation of Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing starring all these people.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire Releases Some Photos of Characters in Chairs (via Moviefone)

Hey everybody! Look! It’s some promo photos (see them all: here) from Catching Fire with the cast in fancy chairs! Yeah, we really don’t understand it either, but that doesn’t make it any less exciting. To further tease the upcoming movie, the production team slowly released Capitol Portraits of the cast, including brand new characters Johanna Mason, Beetee (who is to our chagrin not Tony Shaloub) and Finnick Odair. Sadly absent is Plutarch Heavensbee.

Honest Trailers: Breaking Dawn Parts 1 and 2 (via Honest Trailers)

With the DVD release of Breaking Dawn, so too comes an end to a wonderful era. An era of Twi-hate. To celebrate perhaps the last time we can hate on Twilight together, please enjoy the Honest Trailer version of the last two movies, complete with that epic fake out I mentioned in my original review. Featuring: the worst pro-life message ever, an awful new baby name for teen moms and Bella screaming about the Loch Ness Monster (jump to 1:42 for that). Seriously, the video is worth it for Kristen Stewart’s vampire “acting” alone.