Tag Archives: werewolves

Around the Interwebs: Volume XIX

9 Mar

Gary Busey Explains How Hobbits Are Real and Why They’re Horny. Through Song. (via StarCrush)

For some reason (that reason most likely being brain damage) actor Gary Busey is under the impression that Hobbits are real. So much so that on his YouTube series “The Busey Zone” he shows off his severed Hobbit foot and sings a song about how they’re really horny. Jump to 3:28 for that nonsense. Because in Gary Busey land, “Horny starts with an H. The letter H. Hobbits start with the letter H. Horny Hobbits are thriving in Middle-earth. They don’t know what a reindeer is, but they’re horny like you can’t believe it.” This guy’s brain is like a bag full of cats.

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Around the Interwebs: Volume XIV

26 Jan

Even Middle-earth Has Important Public Service Announcements (via Dorkly)

The Hobbit PSA

Lord of the Rings fan art plus public service announcements equal hilarity. With posters discussing not putting rings on it, how to properly dispose of rings of power, the dangers of Ent draught and giving Balrogs the right to pass, no warning goes unsaid. Special shout out to the poster dedicated to Gandalf’s fireworks: “Don’t play with fireworks. Because maybe some dickhole wizard made one that literally creates a dangerous fire dragon.” See the remaining PSAs over on Dorkly.

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This Is Probably The Last Time I Can Mock Twilight: Cassie-la Dubs “Breaking Dawn: Part 2″ Best Fake Out Comedy of the Year

16 Nov

Book: Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer
Movie: Breaking Dawn: Part 2
Genre: Young adult, romance, vampires, werewolves, drama, teen angst, best fake-out in the history of ever, “Law & Order: Forks, Washington”
Rating: 2.12 out of 5 stars (movie)

Summary: In the second half of a book that didn’t need to be split up into two movies, vampires of every ethnicity ever (and the Avatar) come to help stop a fight that doesn’t really ever happen, Bella is sad because she doesn’t understand the concept of forever, Jacob wants to bone a baby, there’s the most boring vampire sex in the history of the world, and the vampire marching band arrives to give the movie a plot and a little bit of entertainment. Also filler. So much filler.

Last night- or rather when the clock hit midnight and last night became today- I was in a theatre full of Twi-hards ready to mock Breaking Dawn: Part 2. It’s become one of my favorite annual traditions since Breaking Dawn: Part 1, the #1 comedy of 2011. You can read my full mock worthy review of that film HERE. If only I had been able to loudly yell through Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse, but that was before it was cool to mock Twilight.

WARNING: I very rarely include spoilers in my reviews but it is imperative to my snark filled commentary to discuss the amazing clusterfuck that is the final battle and explain why this movie wins MOST UPROARIOUS AUDIENCE REACTION OF THE YEAR.

Don’t worry, I’ll give you plenty of warning before I ruin the best fake out in Twilight cinema history.

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New York Comic-Con 2012: Upcoming Book Releases

17 Oct

People often have the misconception that comic-con is heavily focused on television shows and movies, but it’s also about the publishing industry, whether it be comics, novels or graphic novels. Below, you will find all the upcoming literary works we discovered at NYCC, which will be coming soon to a retailer near you!

Zom-B by Darren Shan
Release Date: October 16, 2012

The first in a not three, not four, but twelve book series about zombies. Obviously. Set in an Irish high school, main character B has to deal with his father’s racism and a zombie infestation. Poor B, he has more problems than sounding like he’s a “Gossip Girl” character. Zom-B was released yesterday and will be followed in January by Zom-B Underground. Hopefully all eleven novels don’t end in cliffhangers.

Who Could That Be At This Hour? All the Wrong Questions by Lemony Snicket
Release Date: October 23 2012

Lemony Snicket is back!!! And this time with even more tragic back story as this first in a four book series details his life with a mysterious organization. The V.F.D.? Here’s hoping this somehow ties into A Series of Unfortunate Events. Will we learn more about Beatrice? Will things finally become clear or is everything Daniel Handler writes one giant red herring!?! Just like that pesky communism.

Hollow Earth by John Barrowman and Carole E. Barrowman
Release Date: October 30, 2012

Aaaaah, everyone’s favorite Torchwood Captain/super old giant floating head (spoilers?) has written a book with his sister about twins who go on adventures with Harry Potter’s patronus. Half of that is accurate. More accurately: the twins have the ability to make artwork come to life. The book has been described as the “Scottish Harry Potter” so I’m expecting less spotted dick and more haggis. Also kilts. Lots and lots of kilts.

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You Knew This Was Coming: Cassie-la Votes “Breaking Dawn: Part 1″ Comedy of the Year

18 Nov

Book: Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer
Movie: Breaking Dawn: Part 1
Genre: Young adult, romance, vampires, werewolves, drama, teen angst, “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant: Vampire Edition”
Rating: 2.43 out of 5 stars (movie)

Summary: Bella and Edward are getting married, and no one is happy, not even Bella herself, who doesn’t know what a smile looks like. With two hours of running time and only 30 minutes of plot, the penultimate movie in this franchise is full of enough nip slips, shoddy acting, and bad vampire CGI to make even Twihards lose some brain cells.

For my view on the book, please read my even snarkier post here.

Before I begin reviewing what is inarguably the best comedy of the year, I have a question to pose to the sparkly vampire loving audience. What happens when Bella gets her period? Seriously. Edward can barely get to second base without freaking out, what happens when Bella is menstruating? Please let me know if you have any theories/would like to cite Stephenie Meyer’s misuse of prose to prove to me that I’m thinking too much into this.

Breaking Dawn: Part 1 opens up as expected, with Jacob taking his shirt off and Edward and Bella getting married. The marriage of these two bothers me for multiple reasons. For one, Bella’s mother (who is inexplicably dressed in short shorts) seems to be finding this out for the first time when she receives her invitation. She also seems HAPPY that her 18 year old daughter is choosing to marry someone who left her alone in the woods two movies ago rather than going off to college. She’s a wonderful role model for young girls, isn’t she?

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Stephanie Explains What “Twilight” is About… Sort Of

30 May

I have never read a single Twilight book. I have never watched a Twilight movie. I have seen spoofs, heard people talking about it, and seen movie previews. Based on that and a general disdain for the series I will now write what I think happens in Twilight in a rambling, stream of consciousness form. Hopefully if you have read Twilight you will find this vaguely amusing. This is a special request coming from Cassie-wa. Still working on that Narnia post. Actually reading Beauty Queens. Not doing too bad this week!

Please enjoy.

What I think happens in Twilight:

There’s this girl who is boring and bakes things for her dad who is a cop. Her mom is dead. It rains a lot in the town they live in which is called Forks. She goes to high school and there is this really pale kid there who she is in love with because he’s a vampire. Or…I don’t know why. Oh – her name is Bella and the vampire is named Edward. I think Edward has various brother and sister vampires also. I don’t know if they are actually related or if they all just made each other or what. One of the sisters is named Alice and she likes clothes shopping.

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If You Haven’t Read “The Mortal Instruments” Yet, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??

10 Apr

In honor of the release of City of Fallen Angels, the fourth book in the Mortal Instruments series, as well as the fact that I can’t talk about it yet because SOME PEOPLE still need to finish it, I figured I’d take the opportunity to explain why you need to be reading this series.

To summarize briefly, The Mortal Instruments is an urban fantasy series about a 15-year-old girl named Clary who discovers she’s connected to a hidden world inhabited by people called Shadowhunters. The Shadowhunters use angelic weaponry and magical tattoos to fight demons, of which there are a surprising lot in New York City. Not to mention faeries, werewolves, vampires, and probably a lot of other things (except mummies. Obviously.). Clary learns the truth about her family and navigates relationships as she and her new friends uncover a sinister plot that could destroy everything.

And from there, shit just gets crazier.

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My White Whale: Cassie-la Rants About “Breaking Dawn” by Stephenie Meyer

25 Feb

Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Young adult, romance, vampires, werewolves, drama, teen angst, sign of end times
Rating: 0.2145 out of 5 stars

Summary: Bella is ordinary. If you look past the fact that a sparkly vampire and a toned werewolf are both madly and desperately in love with her. Other than this, she is purely ordinary.

In order to send the right message for young girls reading her novels, Bella marries her high school sweetheart, deciding not to get a college education so she can have lots of wild sex and get pregnant instead.

I’m assuming after this point that everyone lives happily ever after. The end.

Everyone who loves to read knows of a book that they just could not for the life of them finish. Throughout my childhood, my mother unsuccessfully tried on numerous occasions to finish the novel Moo by Jane Smiley. This was her literary white whale. Mine is, and I believe always will be Breaking Dawn. Surprisingly enough, despite their sheer awfulness, I read the first three books in the Twilight series. They weren’t necessarily horrible, but they were by no means good either. The series was merely literary slop with a little bit of escapism and ridiculous teen angst thrown in. That is until the fourth book in what I hoped was going to be a trilogy, if only so I would not feel the need to read a fourth book. Of course the Murphy’s law of literature stepped in and another book in which nothing really happens was written.

For some reason, (some reason = profit, profit, profit) stand alone books are becoming extinct. They’re being turned into trilogies, and if those trilogies make enough money, morphing into a trilogy following a trilogy. As with movies, Twilight was stretched all the way through to four books. Granted, it happens with movies all the time, and are generally referred to as franchises. Much like Scream, Terminator,  or Jaws, Twilight seemed never-ending. And just because something is making money does not mean that it’s plausible for a roaring Great White to follow a women from New York to the Bahamas.

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