Stephanie Bashes The Epilogue

Epilogue: Nineteen Years Later by J.K. Rowling.
Rating: .1 out of 5 Stars

Summary: It’s misty. Everyone has a ridiculous name. Children look exactly like their parents. It’s misty. Ginny needs a drink. Hermione won’t stop nagging. Ron is fleetingly funny. Harry learned to express his feelings and it’s annoying. It’s EXTREMELY MISTY.

I love Harry Potter. So much. Really. Harry Potter is my life. I’ve read these books a million times. I wear Harry Potter memorabilia. We’re going to our second Harry Potter convention this summer. I have a Harry Potter tattoo. I enjoy wizard rock.

That being said…the epilogue at the end of the 7th book is the quite possibly worst thing I have ever read. Obviously this post contains spoilers, but if you haven’t finished Harry Potter by now, you should just get out of here and not come back. I mean, really.

Anyway, I remember before the 7th book came out, the epilogue had leaked on the internet. Cassie-La read it and immediately told us it must be a fake because who the hell would write about a day being crisp as an apple? Um…apparently J.K. would. Generally when I re-read the 7th book, I close it after the last chapter and skip the epilogue entirely. I mean, why bother? Oh good, everyone who dated in school ended up married with perfect children who look exactly like them. Fantastic.

Let’s get it out of the way immediately and talk about the names. You name your children after BOTH of your dead parents? And Lily HAPPENS to have red hair? That is recessive, what are the odds that the GIRL would conveniently have red hair and be named Lily? I guess we’re used to Albus Severus now, but remember the first time you read that? Holy CRAP. I mean, adorable sentiment sure, but wow that name is awful. It is a mouthful and is sure to encounter a huge amount of teasing. Try explaining to schoolyard bullies that you’re named after two old, dead headmasters…you’re still getting your face shoved in the dirt. Wah wah. After those, we of course have Scorpius. I guess Draco’s just big on tradition, but not everyone from the Black family has to have a ridiculous constellation name right?? That kid’s going to have to go the same route as Draco and count on his money and superiority complex to keep him from getting beat up. And then we have Rose and Hugo….which are awkwardly related to people their parents may have had romantic feelings for when they were teenagers… Rose – Fleur? Viktor…Hugo? I think Cassie-wa pointed that out to me. Anybody? Nobody.

Beyond that, I have this question – WHY oh WHY is the entire epilogue in some sort of dream world engulfed in mist and steam? I get it, there’s a train, but like there’s shadowy figures everywhere, “indistinct figures” swarm through the mist…it’s ridiculous. 10 times in 7 pages – some silly statement is made about the swirling mist and how it’s so hard to see. Like…what are we talking about here? Ugh, just stop.

I find the small bit of sibling banter annoying. I don’t know where James gets off being so cocky about how he knows everything when he’s only been at Hogwarts for one year. And what EXACTLY is so bad about being in Slytherin, I ask? Lily is just Ginny copied from Book 1, I assume Rose is exactly like Hermione and Hugo exactly like Ron since they don’t really get a say in any of this. Ginny seems oddly disconnected and totally lacks any personality. It’s just weird that Harry has actually become a well-adjusted adult when as a teenager he internalized everything and it was hard for him to tell his friends how he was feeling really. I will say that Ron is funny for a moment at least. That “It’s me. I’m extremely famous.” line would have made us laugh if we weren’t so busy being baffled by all of this other nonsense going on.

Besides that – apparently they don’t consider Teddy REALLY part of the family unless he’s going to marry Victoire, Neville decided to give up being a badass and teach snot-nosed kids to take care of plants, and Hermione and Ginny say “He doesn’t mean it” in unison.

Lastly, we come to the very, very end. The worst ending of all time – “All was well.”

All was well??? Really??? No one ever fights or has any problems ever again? Hermione’s nagging doesn’t grate on Ron’s nerves? Harry’s life isn’t in danger all the time since he’s an Auror? Ginny isn’t dissatisfied that she had to quit quidditch and raise children? Albus will never have a drug problem and Lily will never come home with her nose pierced? Teddy isn’t sad that his parents are dead and he never knew them? Bullshit. Nothing is ever all well in life. There will always be something. Unfortunately for us as readers, it appears Voldemort does not have a son to continue the story onward, but come on… Why the hell does it have to wrap up so neat and perfect? With perfect children and perfect couples and perfect lives? Life is messy and I imagine it’s even messier after you’ve been through what these people have. I’m surprised they’re not all locked away, suffering from severe PTSD. But no. All is well.

Fuck that. 🙂

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6 thoughts on “Stephanie Bashes The Epilogue

  1. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    I have not read the epilogue since July, 2007. And now I remember why – it sucks big time. Thank you for putting it into words. It was too easy and perfect, and so terribly abrupt after the battle scene with bodies of the characters we loved strewn everywhere. ALL IS NOT WELL, DAMNIT.

    And the mist! LOLz. I love you.

  2. OMG, that picture you used is hysterical! I also think it’s funny that you rated the epilogue of “Harry Potter” more harshly than I rated the entirety of “Breaking Dawn”. I too remember the horror of turning to the back of that 7th book and seeing that ridiculous chapter that leaked. WHY!?! WHY!?! I was so hoping it wasn’t real. This is why the ending of “Mockingjay” was so more wholly satisfying, not to mention realistic.

    Obviously the mist is meant to be reminiscent of a dream, because Harry is a normal boy with a head wound and was really dreaming he went to magic school for 7 years. In all actuality, he was in a coma the whole time.

    Also, I totally though J.K. was setting Harry up to take care of Teddy to raise him and give him a loving home since they’re both orphans, and holy parallels Batman, that would have made fucking sense. But no, he’s probably miserable and sad and has no parents, biological or otherwise.

    So many things wrong with this ending.

  3. Anybody? Nobody. This post cracks. Me. Up.

    The children at the end of “Mockingjay” look awkwardly like their parents too. I think perhaps Suzanne was making a statement by NOT NAMING THEM AT ALL though. Or it didn’t matter because they were just kind of symbolic anyway. Besides all that, I think that was a decent epilogue, as Cassie-la said.

    But I wonder, what’s up with all these epilogues anyway?? I think Twilight had one too. Is this a new thing (obviously not *completely* new, but you know what I mean) that JK started? Are they really necessary? Clearly, this one was not.

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