Grab Your Time Turner! 16 Year Old Kelly Reviews “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” by JK Rowling

After months of snow and ice and unshaven legs, it is SPRING. Which means cleaning and putting away boots and scarves (except my sweet Ravenclaw one, that’s staying out all year). I decided to go through my two bins of old school things, to see if I could perhaps reduce the amount of *stuff.* It was equal parts hilarity and nostalgia, as I found years of my life contained in papers written and newspaper clippings saved.

On the bottom of the second box, I found my summer reading journals from Honors Brit Lit. As it was 2003, the obvious choice for the “free read” that summer was Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Today, I’ve decided to take us back in time to our first reading of OotP and the unfiltered opinions of an obnoxious 16 year old me. I’ve cut out some unbearable parts in which I talk about myself instead of complaining about Harry. If I can’t resist commentary, I’ll put it in italics. Apologies in advance.

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For my free choice, I read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Yes, I openly admit to still reading these books. (Oh 16 year old me, who knew in 8 years you’d be openly admitting to attending HP Cons?) Even when the last one comes out when I am 30, I will know what happens to that child. I was going to read a British classic for my free choice, and then I remembered I swore off brown-nosing in the fifth grade.

It never really said if Dudley lost weight. I am assuming he did because now he can run without collapsing from heart failure. I bet Aunt Petunia is a Squib. That’s why she is so resentful of magic and her once powerful sister. I can see why she’s so bitter though. Being compared to a sister for all of one’s life can get extremely annoying. Everyone compares me to Erin, just because we like similar music, get good grades, and look like each other. But I am a totally different person. (I need a timeturner to go back and hit myself).

[…in which I babble about my hair and being stared at. I am almost as annoying as Harry. ]

Harry is acting like a catty little girl in this book. He should really take up something like boxing to get the aggression out. Every time someone talks to him, he blows up and acts like the total drama queen (NOT TO MENTION ALL THE DAMN CAPS.) With his round little glasses and woe-is-me demeanor, he would definitely listen to emo. But really I don’t know any boys who acted like him during puberty. (That’s because most of the boys you knew hadn’t gone through puberty yet.) I know some girls who act like him. Maybe he has too much estrogen. Ron or Hermione should smack him or something; he’s really beginning to grate on my nerves. (Semicolons from an early age!).

The Ministry of Magic is kind of opposite of the American government at this point. The wizard government won’t believe Voldemort has come back. Even when presented with sound evidence from highly respectable people, they make up lies to make these people seem not credible. They are holding back, unwilling to accept that what they worked for may be destroyed. (My word choice WAS AWFUL. Why didn’t my teacher beat me with a dictionary?) The Bush government wanted people to believe Saddam Hussein had come back. So they made up lies and used “irrefutable evidence” that Iraq was a huge, direct threat to the American people. Except this evidence happened to be completely false and from utterly unreliable sources. But Bush used the tragedy of September 11 and channels like Fox to fuel the war machine. Instead of holding back, we went boldly forwards, and now find ourselves in a trap. The main similarity I see between the governments is that they are pretty much controlled by very wealthy men. And I do not mean the head of these governments either. (I clearly meant the Malfoys. Those bastards are running America.) (Oh and thank god my teacher was not a republican. Otherwise I would’ve been fucked.)

I think it was a month or so before the book came out when Rowling let it slip that a main character would die. Besides starting the hype machine for the release, it left everyone making assumptions. Every person had his or her own choice and reasons for it. I remember reading an article where this guy had broken down each character’s chance of dying into percentages (by the way, he was wrong.) I myself thought it would be Neville, Lupin, or one of the Weasley twins. Thankfully, I was wrong. (NO YOU WEREN’T, JUST A FEW BOOKS OFF. *sob* Fuck you JK.)

Now that Ginny isn’t completely in love with Harry anymore (oh yes she is! *5 year old giggling*), she is beginning to be one of my favorite characters. In the other books, she is shy and totally devoid of a personality. But in this book she is witty and someone I can relate to. Hopefully she’ll have a bigger role in the next book. (Or become a baby factory for Harry and let him name their babies awful, awful things. What the HELL, Ginny??)

[…in which I rant about Middle School. Get over it, Durkin!]

After I completed this book, my friend Stephanie and I had a conversation. We both felt that same. Sirius’ death was far too anti-climatic. He just walked through an arch. And it never said he died. It just says he is “gone.” (It sounds like a five year old wrote these short, short sentences. Harry was a wizard. He had a wand. He didn’t understand conjunctions. Or clauses. Yay!) Gone doesn’t mean dead… he’s just gone. The death wasn’t followed up by anything either. So Steph and I decided the plot of the next book will be Harry going through the arch and finding his godfather. The title, you ask? Harry Potter and the Mysterious Archway He Must Get Through to Save Sirius, Who Really is Not Dead.

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Yes, I really was that obnoxious. So thank you, other Bibliomantics for still being friends with me. And there you have it. Unfiltered thoughts about OotP from the vault. Now I am going to retire these journals back to the box, until I need to laugh at myself again.

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3 thoughts on “Grab Your Time Turner! 16 Year Old Kelly Reviews “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” by JK Rowling

  1. This post is extremely funny to me because I am currently re-reading “OotP”. GAG! It’s not as bad as I remember, but it makes sense why I started hating Harry Potter as a character after this.

    What teacher was this for? I kind of wish it was for Gillespie even though I know that sort of thing is impossible.

    And I’m still waiting for Sirius to come back from beyond the veil. What was up with that thinly veiled (pardon the pun) metaphor?

    • When I reread it last summer, I was able to appreciate more of the thoughts about grieving and such. BUT ALL THE CAPS STILL GRATED ON MY NERVES.

      And it was for Ms Joyce! She wrote little notes in the margins, so I think that’s why I kept it at the time. But now I’m glad I did, because it’s hilarious to see how ridiculous I was. 🙂

      THE VEIL nonsense is probably my least favorite passage in the entire series. I read an interview with her, saying it was to represent how death happens without warning for most of our loved ones. There are no “death bed scenes.” Which I totally understand, and really appreciate. BUT A FREAKING LITERAL VEIL?? She ran us over with the metaphor, and then backed over us just to make sure.

      • Harry still pisses me off to no end. SO MUCH CAPS LOCKS TO EXPRESS EMOTION!!!

        Awww. Ms. Joyce ❤ I wish I got to have her for two year too.

        So you think the Veil is worse than the epilogue?

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