Stephanie Explains What “Twilight” is About… Sort Of

I have never read a single Twilight book. I have never watched a Twilight movie. I have seen spoofs, heard people talking about it, and seen movie previews. Based on that and a general disdain for the series I will now write what I think happens in Twilight in a rambling, stream of consciousness form. Hopefully if you have read Twilight you will find this vaguely amusing. This is a special request coming from Cassie-wa. Still working on that Narnia post. Actually reading Beauty Queens. Not doing too bad this week!

Please enjoy.

What I think happens in Twilight:

There’s this girl who is boring and bakes things for her dad who is a cop. Her mom is dead. It rains a lot in the town they live in which is called Forks. She goes to high school and there is this really pale kid there who she is in love with because he’s a vampire. Or…I don’t know why. Oh – her name is Bella and the vampire is named Edward. I think Edward has various brother and sister vampires also. I don’t know if they are actually related or if they all just made each other or what. One of the sisters is named Alice and she likes clothes shopping.

Bella and Edward are obsessed with each other and it’s really weird. Like, she can’t function without his cold, hard, pale body near her and he watches her sleep. He also saves her from falling off a cliff or something. At some point, some vampires play baseball. Also they are glittery when there is sunlight instead of dying when there is sunlight. Bella doesn’t want to shop for prom dresses and her heart beats so loudly that other people can hear it while standing 5 feet away.

There are other vampires besides the Cullen ones (that is Edward’s last name) who don’t like Bella because she is a human and knows that they are vampires. So they probably try to kill her I guess, but Edward stops them. Possibly there is a fight in a place with really big windows and Edward can jump really high. After the fight, Edward and Bella get to lay down in a field of flowers and not have sex just love each other and hug.

In the next book there are also werewolves who are Native American and hate wearing clothes. They also go to high school. I guess the other kids don’t notice. Bella likes this one werewolf Jacob and he loves her. Because all the hottest, supernatural beings like Bella. Although from what I understand she is very plain looking, has no opinions or personality or likes or dislikes (apart from liking Edward), and has not done anything to distinguish herself from any other girl. I assume Stephenie Meyer is not pretty.

Um…I think the vampires and werewolves fight. Then there’s this part where Bella, Edward, and Jacob share a tent, but don’t have sex.

Then….um….Bella and Edward want to have sex. But Edward doesn’t want to because he will bite Bella. Also he is a 100 year old virgin. Because he was waiting for his one true love who is Bella. Because sex is the most sacred thing on this earth. I assume Stephenie Meyer is a virgin or was one until very late in life.

Besides being a virgin, Edward is also rich and has a lot of cars. Also he doesn’t have to fart. I am just quoting Hank Green lyrics now. Where was I….

Finally Bella is so desperate to have sex with Edward that she will do anything – so they get married. At some point there is also a weird council of vampires who want to kill Bella some more. (Like, the Dakota Fanning part of the movie previews.) But I guess Edward saves her. Maybe they are in Italy. Edward almost dies, but Jacob saves his life and then they are friends.

So then Bella and Edward get married and have sex and Bella gets pregnant with a mutant vampire baby who eats it’s way out of her womb. So she’s dying so Edward turns her into a vampire so they can frolic together with their scary vampire baby. Who ages really fast or something so she’s like 18 years old immediately and then Jacob marries her. I think. I don’t know. Also the baby’s name is Renesmee or something like because Bella’s mother’s name is Renee and Edward’s mother’s name is Esme and obviously you should just smush them together to make a whole new name.

They all go live in Hawaii and love each other FOREVER. Because only a vampire can love you FOREVER. I guess Jacob will die at some point though.

The End.


5 thoughts on “Stephanie Explains What “Twilight” is About… Sort Of

  1. Happily, Jacob the Pedophile and the baby get to live forever too! Excuse me while I gag on the implausibility of it all.

    I was hoping the Italian Vampires would show up and blow the entire state of Washington to smithereens, just to ensure the whole mess of ridiculous was gone.

    Seriously… you got this spot-on. It’s rather SPOOKY.

      • Because he is a shape-shifter, he responds to the threat of vampires. If he chooses to be around vampires, he in theory gets to live forever. And because his sexy 2 year old girlfriend is a vamp, it’s pretty much a guarantee he gets an Immortality Card too. *gags*

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