Gigantic Death Worm by Vince Kramer (Submission)
Genre: Bizarro fiction, horror, apocalypse, if a B movie was adapted into a book
Rating: 3.456 out of 5 stars
Summary: Dave has brain parasites, given to him by a lost race of Mayans trying to convince humanity the world is about to end. Stuck on a ski lift with the power to make things appear at will, Dave is attacked by bears who spit wolves, while his parasites wreak havoc on the surrounding area. Starring Mexican Ninjas and a plot that would make Ed Wood wet his pants, Gigantic Death Worm is the true definition of bizarro.
This is the final (for now) Bizarro Blursday with an emphasis on the New Bizarro Author Series, from Eraserhead Press. The author, Vince Kramer, was helped along in his bizarro writing by seminal bizarro author, Carlton Mellick III who has been featured on Bibliomantics for his novella, The Haunted Vagina. Regardless of Vince’s connections, continuing on his path as a published author is reliant on the number of copies of Gigantic Death Worm he sells. So if this novella intrigues you, help him out and buy a copy. It can be purchased HERE through Amazon.
Much like a B movie, this novella was written in three days, which has to be the equivalent of a movie made in five days. In other words, Ed Wood style! I do not find this to be a detriment, because Kramer seems to be completely aware that he is writing a satire. I mean, the man makes bears who spit wolves a main plot point in his work. The characters also seem to be completely unaware of how to function in a horror situation, from using their cell phones for anything other than summoning help, to going to a vet because vets are just doctors who happen to work on animals. Not to mention that drugs, alcohol, and horror NEVER mix.
The story opens up on a skiing trip where boys are behaving like boys. There’s copious amounts of beer, drugs, and even a girlfriend made of silicone who blows her way into getting what she wants. At least main character Dave has good taste in beer, drinking Arrogant Bastard Ale and Dogfish Head 90-Minute IPA over more run of the mill draughts. No Miller Lite with Lime in this book!
If anyone has ever seen the horror movie Frozen, it’s easy to see where the inspiration for this story comes from. Both revolve around three characters stuck on a ski-lift, high in the air with the worry of freezing to death while wild animals continually escalate their problems. There are also two male best friends and one of their girlfriends, and they bribe the ski-lift attendant to let them on the lift because of a lack of funds. Due to no safety measures to check for people on the ski-lift from both resorts, the skiers find themselves trapped in a deserted location with no help in site from the resort which is closed for the entire rest of the week. The boyfriend jumps off the ski-lift and injures himself, before being eaten by wild animals. This is where the similarities end and the wolf spitting bears show up.
With lines such as, “Then the bear ate his face off and he died from it”, you can see why I equate this novel to a readable B horror movie. In addition to this, there are bears which spit wolves, who attack the ski-lift. I suppose the bears have really strong spitting powers and this is why they’re able to launch them so high in the air. This is particularly painful to Dave who, “suddenly remembered he was allergic to any mammal.” We can also assume that he was allergic to himself, which probably equates to a pretty painful life if you make yourself sneeze 24/7.
One intriguing facet of the plot revolves around Dave contracting brain parasites before the events in the novella. This occurred while Dave was on vacation and accidentally stumbled across a lost race of Mayans who forced him to commit unspeakable acts on them, resulting in the worms in his brain. These worms escape on the ski-lift and run into the wilderness, where they grow larger and larger, until they grow so large that they cause Wormquakes. Thankfully, these worms also give Dave the ability to make things appear at will, a Mary Poppin’s power that even Hermione couldn’t achieve with her beaded bag.
When Dave and his companion escape from the ski-lift, he comes across a group of Mexican Ninjas who plan to help take down the worms, who are trying to create the apocalypse (this is 2012 after all). The ninjas have the ability to fly, are armed with razor edged sombreros, use the Mexican Hat dance as a way to distract adversaries, and their ponchos make them invisible. Their leader is the hilariously named Ponce De Leon II: the Revenge, whose father found the Fountain of Youth in the City of Gold and believes in the phrase, “FIESTA OR DEATH”. Their goal is to stop these giant worms from causing anymore damage, but they are unable to save a local Barnes and Noble, which a worm crushes. As a former Barnes and Noble employee, I rejoiced at that one.
Gigantic Death Worm feels like an episode of “1,ooo Way to Die” meets “Dreamcatcher” as Dave and his boobtastic companion deal with increasingly more ridiculous situations, including worms akin to something invented by Stephen King or straight out of Tremors. If anything, this novella is an amalgam of the ridiculous, which is just what bizarro is all about.
-Reads like a B horror movie (so bad it’s really damn good)
-Mexican Ninjas and Ponce De Leon II: The Revenge = hilarity
-Narrative inter-spliced with comments from narrator and occasionally Han Solo
-The line: “An acid covered copy of I’m Better than You by Hellen Keller hit an old lady across the face, ironically blinding her…”
-Reads like a B horror movie
-A little sexual, stay away if you’re a prude or get grossed out by bodily fluids
If you are a fan of horror movies and horror novels, why not buy something that combines the two? Where else are you going to find wolf spitting bears and Mexican Ninjas!?! Nowhere would be your answer.