An Irreverent Romping Tour de Force: Cassie-la Writes a Cliched Review of “How to Avoid Huge Ships” by Captain John W. Trimmer

How to Avoid Huge Ships by Captain John W. Trimmer
: Non-fiction, boats, humor, how did this get published?
Rating: 5 out of 5 (in my imagination)

Summary: Ever wondered how to avoid huge ships? Well now you can, with the help of a real boat captain who has plenty of experience avoiding huge ships. As he will tell you in this opus, it’s important to remember not to steer directly into the ship or just sit there as it barrels toward you. I could tell you more, but I don’t want to give away all of his secrets. However, after reading only 112 pages you too will be able to get out of the way of huge ships!

The purpose of this post is two-fold. One, is to celebrate the hilarity that is the Amazon reviews for this ridiculously titled book, an actual published book that is currently going for the low low price of $178.99. And with 190 reviews there is a lot of humor to share with the world. I have included some of the best reviews for your reading pleasure further on in the post.

The second purpose is to try to write a review chock full of cliched words that critics seem to love. This idea came about when Book Riot contributor Elizabeth Bastos wrote this post about her “Least Favorite Book Critic-ish Words and Phrases”. Seeing all the hysterical and oftentimes pompous words in one place made me want to attempt to write a review using as many of them as possible. The only problem, what book do I mock to attempt this challenge? Do I make up a book? Do I base it off a book I had already read- Stephen Colbert’s, I Am a Pole (And So Can You!) came to mind. This is where How to Avoid Huge Ships comes in, the best possible book to perfect my cliched writing with.

I first stumbled upon this book in a list of ridiculous Amazon products and their reviews (which also included an attachable desk for your car steeling wheel). If you’re ever in need of a good laugh, the review page comes highly recommended. I have pasted the best of the best for you below, along with a diagram someone created entailing how to avoid huge ships.

Reads like a whodunnit!

I bought How to Avoid Huge Ships as a companion to Captain Trimmer’s other excellent books: How to Avoid a Train, and How to Avoid the Empire State Building. These books are fast paced, well written and the hard won knowledge found in them is as inspirational as it is informational. After reading them I haven’t been hit by anything bigger than a diesel bus. Thanks, captain!

No more awkward moments at parties.

Having dated a few large ships in my younger days, I was always at a loss in parties whenever one entered. It was always so awkward and embarrassing, we would stand around and make some conversation (telling it, that it lost weight and such), while I wished for a way out. But thanks to this book I now know all of the tricks; hiding behind the Nachos, pretending to be an iceberg and the rest of the useful tips.

Good, but…

As a long time seaman, I deeply enjoyed this read. I must request that the author write other books with the same informative as he did with this book. For instance, and I’m just spitballing here, “How to Avoid Huge Tuscan Islands”.

An informative read for such sea-dwelling creatures as myself.

As many of you may know, evading the screws of commercial freighters is a pressing issue in the dominion of Atlantis. When I got this book, (after carefully laminating and sealing all the pages, of course), I found it to be a touching nautical tale that I would recommend to any sea-faring folk or sea-dwelling creature.

Aquaman, King of Atlantis

Okay, enough goofing around with these fake reviews, it’s time to read the most cliched review ever written… Entirely on purpose. I give you, my review of How to Avoid Huge Ships, with as many stereotypical words as possible. Hopefully I’ll get a blurb on the third edition!

How to Avoid Huge Ships: An Irreverent Romping Tour de Force

Modern prophet and master of language Captain John W. Trimmer does not flinch from large subjects. Particularly, ships! This wise Herculean epic is told with a unique voice that will take you on a wild thrill-ride. The prose reads like poetry and the plot is nothing short of a stunner in this serious book. The stylish writing is a rare glimpse of the world according to a boat captain. It will make you want to put the characters in your pocket as they work their way through the raw and Labyrinthine narrative.

Despite it’s revelatory nature, this novel is fresh, side-splittingly funny, and worthy of fanfare. The succulent language makes this a delicious, unblemished classic of reportage. Trimmer’s knowledge is Cartesian, his writing lapidary, and his information on boating unparalleled. If you are facing a huge ship, drop everything and read this essential, astonishing, uplifting exploration of raw survival. Trimmer is truly a magician.

How painful was that to read? Was it haunting? Riveting? An instant classic?


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