Book: Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
Movie: I, Frankenstein
Genre: Fiction, horror, science fiction, paranormal, supernatural, demons, the worst CGI to ever CGI
Rating: 1.8 out of 5 stars (movie), 3.8 out of 5 stars (book)

Summary: What happened to Frankenstein’s monster at the end of Mary Shelley’s classic tale of gothic horror? Did he kill himself as promised, or did he end up caught in the middle of a never-ending war between gargoyles and demons. Obviously it’s the latter, because of course it is. 200 years later the Creature must stop a demon prince from recreating Victor Frankenstein’s life-reanimating experiments and find out once and for all who the real Frankenstein is. Is it you Frankenstein? Is it me Frankenstein?

I have been wanting to watch the surely cinematic masterpiece that is I, Frankenstein for a while now. 1. Because why the fuck is it called I, Frankenstein and 2. Because how can something get a worse Rotten Tomatoes rating than both After Earth and The Last Airbender?

Sadly, I was not able to watch the Spanish language version Yo, Frankenstein which is the actual title and not a joke I just made up.

One thing becomes immediately apparent less than five minutes into the film: it’s really a shame Mary Shelley cut the entire Frankenstein’s monster versus demons versus gargoyles subplot from her gothic novel.

Unlike other versions of the Creature — minus some scars and a fascination with eyeliner — Aaron Eckhart is decidedly handsome for a hideous monster because apparently the only spare parts Victor Frankenstein had laying around were abs.

Even worse? He never sings Puttin’ on the Ritz.

After being attacked by demons he is quickly captured by “gargoyle queen” Eowyn, who informs Frankenstein’s monster (who she dubs Adam) that gargoyles and demons have been fighting an unseen war right in front of humanity for years.

If you consider repeatedly flying around the city in gargoyle form, breaking public property and killing demons who happen to explode when they die inconspicuous. Michael Bay is very upset he didn’t think of this.

Look at this unseen battle! Look at it!

So why do the demons want Adam? According to the exposition heavy dialogue, Victor Frankenstein’s diary is proof that someone other than god can create life and the gargoyles (who are basically stone angels  — except when they’re inexplicably not stone which is most of the time) want to stop his notes from falling into the wrong hands. Read: gross demon hands.

Of course, this is exactly what happens anyway and the demons quickly begin work on their plans to reanimate the dead and take over the world. Spoilers: you will not care. More spoilers: the corpses all come equipped with reanimation counters.

That’s it. That’s the plot.

Is it a good movie? Not by any stretch of the imagination. Does it have anything to do with its source material? Surprisingly more than Brad Pitt zombie movie and World War Z. Is it worthy of a three percent on Rotten Tomatoes? Maybe a little bit.

But on the plus side, no one refers to Frankenstein’s monster as Frankenstein. You know, except for Frankenstein’s monster. And Bill Nighy. But we can forgive Bill Nighy.