I, Frankenstein…’s Monster: Cassie-la Watches ‘I, Frankenstein’ So You, Frankenstein Don’t Have To

I Frankenstein PosterBookFrankenstein by Mary Shelley
Movie: I, Frankenstein
Genre: Fiction, horror, science fiction, paranormal, supernatural, demons, the worst CGI to ever CGI
Rating: 1.8 out of 5 stars (movie), 3.8 out of 5 stars (book)

Summary: What happened to Frankenstein’s monster at the end of Mary Shelley’s classic tale of gothic horror? Did he kill himself as promised, or did he end up caught in the middle of a never-ending war between gargoyles and demons. Obviously it’s the latter, because of course it is. 200 years later the Creature must stop a demon prince from recreating Victor Frankenstein’s life-reanimating experiments and find out once and for all who the real Frankenstein is. Is it you Frankenstein? Is it me Frankenstein?

I have been wanting to watch the surely cinematic masterpiece that is I, Frankenstein for a while now. 1. Because why the fuck is it called I, Frankenstein and 2. Because how can something get a worse Rotten Tomatoes rating than both After Earth and The Last Airbender?

Sadly, I was not able to watch the Spanish language version Yo, Frankenstein which is the actual title and not a joke I just made up.

One thing becomes immediately apparent less than five minutes into the film: it’s really a shame Mary Shelley cut the entire Frankenstein’s monster versus demons versus gargoyles subplot from her gothic novel.

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This Time It’s Voodoo: Cassie-la Harpoons “Jaws: The Revenge” by Hank Searls

Jaws the RevengeBook: Jaws: The Revenge by Hank Searls
Movie: Jaws: The Revenge
Genre: Fiction, horror, sharks, voodoo is actually a much better explanation than no explanation
Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars (book), 2.6 out of 5 stars (movie)

Summary: Everyone’s favorite man-eating shark is back for his final adventure! Or rather, a possible relative of everyone’s favorite man-eating shark is back for his final adventure. In the 4th installment of the film series, turned the 3rd installment of the book series, yet another Great White Shark is torturing the Brody family, and it’s all because Michael Brody broke a witch doctor’s magical gourd. Leaving everyone who picked up this book to ponder: “Yeah, but is that why it roars?”

Yet another Shark Week has come and gone (with twice as many fake documentaries) and this year I chose to read perhaps the most torturous shark story to date — aside from last year’s read — a novelization of the film Jaws: The Revenge. AKA Jaws IV. AKA The One That is Somehow Worse Than Jaws 3.

Jaws: The Revenge: it’s a tale as old as time. Man kills shark. Man kills a different shark. Possible descendent of deceased sharks follows the man’s family to the Bahamas and begins systematically killing them.

You know, that old story.

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Worst Ending Ever! Cassie-la Wants to Stab Someone Over the Series Finale of “Dexter”

Dexter Power Saw to the PeopleBook: Darkly Dreaming Dexter
TV Show: “Dexter
Genre: Fiction, horror, murder, serial-killers, one of the worst series finales of all time or would a dream have been worse?
Rating: 2 out of 5 stars (tv show), 4.5 out of 5 stars (book)

Summary: The once great serial-killer Dexter Morgan is now a shell of his former self, choosing to give up murdering those who don’t deserve to continue living by running off to Argentina to start his life over with the woman who tried to murder his sister and the son who is unable to work a treadmill properly. The only problem is the murderous psychopath the Brain Surgeon is on the loose and Hannah is wanted by the American government. Can they escape and live happily ever after or will “Dexter” get the laziest series finale on television? Spoilers: it’s the latter.

It’s not often that a series I have invested a significant portion of my life in (seven years to be precise) ends in such an unsatisfactory way that I have uneasy dreams. This however is precisely what happened last night after subjecting myself to the tragedy that was the season finale of “Dexter” in which apparently my brain thought it was more preferable that Dexter had a secret daughter who worked in a convenience store and absolutely no epilogue.

This conclusion was especially depressing because Season One, which followed the events in the novel Darkly Dreaming Dexter, Season Two which deals with the ramifications of Dexter’s dirty little secret being discovered and Season Four which featured the Trinity Killer, starring the amazing John Lithgow were all impressive moments in television history. Unfortunately from Season Five on the series floundered, only to die a horrible death with the very last episode. This is what happens when you decide to rush an early finale.

WARNING: Spoilers obviously abound from here on out.

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Taking The Phrase Dead Sexy to a Whole New Level: Cassie-la Races Through Both Versions Of “Warm Bodies”

Warm Bodies Poster 2Book: Warm Bodies by Isaac Marion
Movie
: Warm Bodies
Genre: Fiction, zombies, horror, post-apocalyptic, this ain’t no zombie Twilight
Rating: 4.68 out of 5 stars (book and movie)

Summary: R is not your average zombie. He has coherent thoughts, can speak (sort of), is an avid collector of human memorabilia, and most importantly, has the ability to fall in love. Everything in R’s life is altered one day when he rashly decides to bring a human girl back to live in his 747. Her name is Julie, and she and R have the power to change the post-apocalyptic world forever. The weapon they have is [zombie] love.

Warm Bodies is the modern Romeo and Juliet. And I don’t say that because they have a modern romantic love story, or that as a zombie and a human they are star-crossed, I say that because the novel Warm Bodies is literally inspired by Romeo and Juliet. Main character R is obviously Romeo and love interest Julie is his Juliet. R’s hilarious best friend M stands in for Mercutio and Juliet’s friend Nora (with her aspirations to be a nurse) represents Juliet’s nurse, merely called the Nurse. See? I wasn’t just pumping up the love story aspect.

The novel and the film, while telling the same story, are two completely different beasts. The book is barely a young adult novel, despite the filming marketing the story to the Twilight fandom (shakes fist in anger) and is instead a much more in-depth look at a crumbling post-apocalyptic world and how we as a society while alive are still more dead inside than the zombie scourge. This is all viewed through the lens of R and Julie’s love story. The movie explores how technology makes society into zombies in a much more light-hearted way, but still through the romance of R and Julie. To sum it up, the novel is more zom-rom (zombie romance) with touches of humor and the film is more zom-rom-com (zombie romantic comedy) plus Rob Corddry.

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Bibliomantic Book Club: “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”

The_Hobbit-_An_Unexpected_Journey_74The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Release Date: December 14, 2012
Genre: Epic fantasy, Is “Lord of the Rings” a genre now?

Summary: Bilbo Baggins is just your average hobbit who enjoys eating, smoking a pipe, sitting around, and that’s pretty much it. His quiet, peaceful life is very suddenly disturbed when Gandalf the Grey appears at his doorstep inviting him on an adventure. Soon his home is invaded by thirteen dwarves who are on a quest to reclaim their home from the dragon Smaug. A grand journey commences – encounters with trolls, capture by goblins, and of course the discovery of a certain all-powerful ring start us off on the first leg of the tale. Bilbo must learn to be brave and everyone must learn that friendship is magic.

The excitement and nostalgia levels were high among the Bibliomantics as we ventured to the midnight showing of the highly anticipated movie adaptation of The Hobbit. As we settled into the theater, we reminisced happily about our trip to see Return of the King at midnight. How Stephanie and Cassie-wa’s father had to drive us all squished into the car because we weren’t old enough to drive more than one person or after 10pm. How Cassie-la had walked up to a stranger and started eating his pretzel bites. (Okay, she knew him.) And then we mostly just realized that we are really old because that was NINE YEARS AGO.

It was surreal to be back in a theater at midnight – going back to Middle-earth. Despite our complaining about the pointlessness of the 3-D, our bafflement at how Peter Jackson could possibly stretch the story out into three movies, and even though it wasn’t perfect, I think we are damn glad that the story’s not over yet. Plus there’s musical numbers and shenanigans.

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This Is Probably The Last Time I Can Mock Twilight: Cassie-la Dubs “Breaking Dawn: Part 2” Best Fake Out Comedy of the Year

Book: Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer
Movie
: Breaking Dawn: Part 2
Genre: Young adult, romance, vampires, werewolves, drama, teen angst, best fake-out in the history of ever, “Law & Order: Forks, Washington”
Rating: 2.12 out of 5 stars (movie), 2 out of 5 stars (book)

Summary: In the second half of a book that didn’t need to be split up into two movies, vampires of every ethnicity ever (and the Avatar) come to help stop a fight that doesn’t really ever happen, Bella is sad because she doesn’t understand the concept of forever, Jacob wants to bone a baby, there’s the most boring vampire sex in the history of the world, and the vampire marching band arrives to give the movie a plot and a little bit of entertainment. Also filler. So much filler.

Last night- or rather when the clock hit midnight and last night became today- I was in a theatre full of Twi-hards ready to mock Breaking Dawn: Part 2. It’s become one of my favorite annual traditions since Breaking Dawn: Part 1, the #1 comedy of 2011. You can read my full mock worthy review of that film HERE. If only I had been able to loudly yell through Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse, but that was before it was cool to mock Twilight.

WARNING: I very rarely include spoilers in my reviews but it is imperative to my snark filled commentary to discuss the amazing clusterfuck that is the final battle and explain why this movie wins MOST UPROARIOUS AUDIENCE REACTION OF THE YEAR.

Don’t worry, I’ll give you plenty of warning before I ruin the best fake out in Twilight cinema history.

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The Original Shark Week: Cassie-la Takes a Bite Out of “Jaws” by Peter Benchley

Book: Jaws by Peter Benchley
Movie
: Jaws
Genre: Fiction, horror, shark, thriller, one of the few times the movie was actually better
Rating: 3.6 out of 5 stars (book), 4.9 out of 5 stars (movie)

SummaryA vicious killer fish from the deep wreaks havoc on the seaside town of Amity, killing four people and ruining the economy for its poor citizens. Caught between his desire to save lives and save the struggling town, police chief Brody is forced to make some painful decisions. Add in a mob subplot, a wife dissatisfied with her life choices and a horny ichthyologist and you have a book that will have you jumping into the water, into the fins of a much nobler shark who’s at least true to himself.

Last August in a slightly inebriated post about reading as escapism, I had the brilliant (see: shark themed) idea to read and review Jaws in honor of Shark Week. AND I ACTUALLY REMEMBERED TO DO IT! You’re welcome everyone who still doesn’t actually care. And you’re actually welcome shark enthusiasts.

As documentaries and the internet will tell you, Jaws (the book, not the Spielberg movie- yes, there is a book) was inspired by the Jersey Shore attacks of 1916, not to be confused with the Snooki attacks of the 21st century. Scientists believe the five attacks were perpetrated by one shark, a SHARK WITH A LUST FOR BLOOD! Or one who was sick/starving and probably confused by the influx of flesh in the hypodermic needle strewn water during a freak heat wave. I kid, I’m sure the water was just full of mob bodies in 1916.

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